Godzilla vs. MechaGodzilla I
(1974)
The proud nation of Japan has produced some wonderful works of artistic skill
over the last 30 years, many of which I can vouch for first-hand. I have experienced the seamless
melding of performance and luxury in the Lexus GS-400, the outstanding quality and value of Sony
Wega HD television, the quirky rockin' tunes of the girl group the Six-Seven-Eight-Nines, even some
really good Teriyaki noodles in the frozen food section of Wal-Mart. Yes, indeed, Japan is home to
many of the world's finest artisans and craftsmen, whose unique blend of quality and attention to
detail is second to none. However, none of these people had anything to do with the steaming pile
that is Godzilla versus MechaGodzilla I. Many people I've talked to rate this movie as the
best of the 1970s Godzilla series. These people are obviously all hooked on crank.
While first released in Japan in early 1974, this movie didn't make it to America until 1977,
horribly staining Jimmy Carter's term in office, and perhaps influencing his decision to move back
to rural Georgia where they don‘t have movie theaters. The first American television version was
called Godzilla vs. the Bionic Monster, but this title was quickly dropped when Universal
Studios, responsible for both The Six Million Dollar Man and The Bionic Woman,
threatened to sue over the title. The movie was quickly re-titled Godzilla vs. the Cosmic
Monster, and later video re-releases used the newer Godzilla vs. MechaGodzilla I name,
and it's this last name under which I'll review it. (There are actually two series movies by this title.
I'll call this 1974 Godzilla vs. MechaGodzilla I and the 1993 Godzilla vs. MechaGodzilla
II in my reviews so as not to confuse anyone, ok?)
This movie, which celebrated Godzilla's 20th birthday, is all about the swingin' 1970s. The fashions,
the hair, the music, the cars, and the cinematic techniques are so firmly mired in the early '70s that
you'll think you've entered a polyester and shag time warp. Other elements of the presentation are
equally bad, the English dubbing is awful and seems muffled and hard to hear half the time, much
of the camera motion is early Blair Witch Project-bouncy, and the music is a blend of classic
Godzilla marches and goofy porn movie mixes. Oh my, this will be a fun ride for us all.
And now on to our movie...
We open on the island of Okinawa. A good portion of the movie will take place on Okinawa, and I
believe this was to cut production costs, and to have a place to stage the big ending battle without
having to build expensive city sets.
We first meet the Shimizu brothers, Masahiko and Keisuke, two mainland Japanese men living and
working on Okinawa. The parallels between them and Joey and Chandler on Friends will
become apparent and, rather than sticking to their confusing Japanese names, I'll use "Joey" and
"Chandler" in this review to help you keep track of who is who.
Older brother Chandler (Keisuke) is a thirtysomething respectable working man, a construction
foreman of some sort who wears subdued suits and ties and his hair is neat and trimmed short.
He's played by Masaaki Diamon, who, other than appearing in Terror of MechaGodzilla in 1975, had little other
work in the film industry after this movie. Maybe this movie killed his career?
Younger brother Joey (Masahiko) is a twentysomething David Cassidy-lookalike with a shaggy mop
hairdo and bright, trendy clothes. The chicks must love him, although he's apparently a freeloader
without any ambition or a job. He's played by Kazuya Aoyama, who also starred in Toho's
Ultraman rip-off TV series Zone Fighter.
The brothers are visiting a local shrine where the remnants of the ancient Azumi royal family live.
Along with some other tourists, they watch a young woman in a traditional costume do a funky little
dance for the cameras. This is probably a lot like going to colonial Williamsburg and watching the
historical reinactors make lye soap and shoot blackpowder...well, it's close. If you think about it,
it's really sad that the "royal family" of Okinawa is reduced to pandering to tourists and begging
for handouts.
The dancing girl (soon to be identified as an "Azumi prophetess") is kinda cute but less so the more
you look at her. She's played 23-year old Korean actress Beru-Bera Lin (though she is credited
here as "Barbara Lynn"). Lin was known as the "Marlene Dietrich of Asia" due to some
controversial films that depicted bisexuality and homosexual overtones that she made when she
was a teenager. Sadly, there are no lesbian Asian girl porn scenes in our movie...
Suddenly she goes spastic and falls down! We see in "Psychic View" that she's having visions
consisting of stock footage of monsters destroying stock footage cities and stuff. A terribly
ancient guy complete with stringy white hair and beard (her grandfather) runs up and tries to
comfort her. He looks just like the old mute hermit in Monty Python's The Life of
Brian--only with clothes. The prophetess starts babbling on about a monster that will "set fire
to the city and trample on the people who try and run away (like the audience in about an hour)."
After this, the brothers leave, their heads full of spooky foreshadowing. They jump in Chandler's
classy hardtop Willys Jeep and zip off. Chandler is now wearing a silly white construction-zone
hard hat, though why he feels the need to wear the helmet when driving to the work site is beyond
me.
I should note here that with the very first spoken sentence of the movie, we're painfully aware of
just how screamingly bad the English dubbing will be. At times it seems as if the dubbers were
ad-libbing it, just making up dialogue as they went along, and often seem to be overacting more
than normal for this sort of film. The accents are thick and often clearly Australian (!), and
virtually no one's voice matches their physical appearance in any way.
Anyway, Chandler drops Joey off at a big cave on his way to work. Why Joey would want to go
spelunking is never explained, he certainly isn't dressed for it. The cave is open and airy, but
strangely well-lit (perhaps it's that blue-lensed klieg-light visible behind that stalactite?). In the
cave Joey happens upon a small piece of shiny metal about the size of a cigarette lighter. Keep
track of this.
Back to Chandler, now arriving at his worksite. Apparently, his workers have been digging into a
mountain and have uncovered a hidden cavern. Inside is some spiritualistic prehistoric paintings and
a small alcove with a stone statue set in it. The statue is about the size of a house cat and is of
King Seesar (more later), a semi-mythical local god that looks like a lion crossed with a dog. A
media circus soon erupts around the site, archaeological finds in Okinawa are big news, which is not
surprising considering how obsessed they are with ancestors and history. In most parts of America
there are laws that say that if something culturally important is unearthed in a building project,
experts have to be called in before the work can progress, and it seems that in Japan the same
thing applies.
Anyway, a stunningly cute young woman with a camera bag tries to enter the cave but is stopped by
a worker who says that "reporters have to stay outside". She laughs a sweet laugh that would
make a monk reevaluate his vows and says that she's not a reporter, but the "investigator from the
archeology department at Okinawa's Shuri University". The worker is stunned (a chick with
authority!) and even looks her up-and-down (a really hot chick with authority!). This Medieval view
of womens' roles in society is sadly typical of the Godzilla movies, but it still makes me cringe every
time I see it on screen. Her name is Saeko, and she's played by a 25-year old Reiko Tajima.
Saeko quickly interprets the cave art as a prophesy about avenging monsters, left here by the
ancient peoples of Okinawa. She confirms to Chandler (and us) that the statue indeed represents
King Seesar, a mythical monster that helped protect Okinawa from invasion long ago (where was he
in 1945, eh?).
We now jump ahead to the aforementioned Shuri University and to Saeko's office, where she's
deciphering the wording of the prophecy from the notes and photos she took. When decoded, it
says "When a black mountain appears in the sky, a monster will come and try to take over the
world. When the sun rises in the west, two monsters will appear, to try and save the people."
Sounds like a movie plot if I ever heard one!
While she writes, the door to her office slowly opens a crack. A Japanese man with an atrocious
haircut and wide mustache peeks his head in. He looks just like Charles Bronson from all those bad
1970s action movies, so I'll call him "Charles Bronson". Before he can approach Saeko, he hears
someone coming and runs away.
Who is coming is a tall man dressed all in black--black trenchcoat, black boots, black hair, black
shades, black everything (he looks just like Neo there at the end of The Matrix when he was
rescuing Morpheus). He also peeks in at Saeko, but does not disturb her. For the purposes of
helping you sort all these characters out, I'll refer to him as "Neo" for the balance of this review
(he even looks a bit like Keanu). Neo is played by 35-year old Shin Kishida, a dark and violent
looking actor who, while this was his only Godzilla movie, had already gained fame for several
horror roles that gave him the nickname "The Japanese Dracula".
That confusing and James Bondish moment over, we now cut to a Boeing 707 airliner taking off
from Okinawa, bound for Tokyo. By some amazing and convenient coincidence, both Chandler and
Saeko are on this plane, though neither knew it before take-off. Chandler is going on vacation back
home and Saeko is bringing the statue to Tokyo University to see famed archaeologist Doctor
Wagura.
They're soon interrupted by the man in the seat ahead of her, who turns around so we can see it's
Neo!!! He introduces himself to them as a freelance reporter and a "scandal hunter" who is also
interested in the statue. For the rest of the flight they apparently don't talk to each other again,
which is really weird considering that he's obviously following them and knows a whole lot about
Saeko and her work.
A commotion in the cabin brings everyone's attention to the windows. Off the starboard wing they
can see a bad matte painting of a cloud formation that looks strikingly like a huge, towering black
mountain in the sky. Saeko breathlessly repeats the part of the prophecy to Chandler about the
black mountain bringing a monster to destroy the world. At this, Chandler remembers back to the
Azumi princess' vision (brought to us in a cool 1970s disco split-screen flashback). No explanation
is ever offered for this freak weather pattern, and it's never mentioned again.
Once in Tokyo, we find out through some cute comical means that Dr. Wagura is actually
Chandler's uncle!!! Wow, imagine the odds!!! I really hate it when everyone in a movie is related in
some forced six-degrees-of-separation way. Doctor Wagura is played by 45-year old Hiroshi
Koizumi, a popular science fiction actor who specialized in professor/doctor/scientist roles
throughout his long association with Toho Studios.
Chandler, Saeko and the good doctor all discuss the statue and what the prophecy might mean for
Japan. Wagura mentions that Joey is also back in Japan, having brought the small metal piece he
found in the cave to Professor Miyajima for analysis. It seems that Joey and Chandler are rather
well-connected with the scientific community in Japan, pretty convenient, wouldn't you say?
Oddly, Chandler seems surprised to hear Joey is also back in Japan. So his own brother leaves
Okinawa without even telling him? But not before he calls his uncle to tell him the whole story?
And why would he fly all the way back to Japan to have the metal analyzed? There are labs in
Okinawa, aren't there? And why would he even think that a shiny piece of metal he found in a cave
was important enough to fly all the way back to Japan? Air travel in 1974 was pretty pricey,
maybe freeloading Joey has got some cash hidden away, eh?
We cut now to the "Miyajima Laboratory", where Joey (now in a nifty Charlie Brown-esque
sweater) has indeed brought the metal to Professor Miyajima. Professor Miyajima is played by
Akihiko Hirata, best known for being Doctor Serizawa in 1954's
Godzilla. The professor announces that it's "space titanium from outer space". What
the hell, how would he even know what a metal from outer space looked like?
Just then the professor's hot daughter Eiko enters, causing my heart to jump and my loins to
tingle. The lovely young Eiko is played by Hiromi Matsushita, and like several others of our cast, this
is the only movie listed for her on the IMDB. Perhaps it killed her career like the rest? Before she
can speak, however, a quick earthquake tremor rattles the lab. Glass and ceramics fall from
cabinets and off of shelves to shatter on the floor. As it subsides, Eiko notes that there has been
a tremor "every day for the last ten days". Ok, then why do they keep putting everything
breakable back on the shelves? You'd think that smart people like scientists would plan ahead.
We now cut back to Dr. Wagura's house, upstairs where Chandler is reading a magazine in bed. A
radio playing in the background says "SONY" on the front (is it strange that consumer electronics
made in Japan and sold domestically would have the brand name in English?). As well, the
magazine's title (Domino) is in English. Is Chandler an Anglophile?
The radio announcer is talking about the "magnitude two earthquake that day with the epicenter
near Cape Nemuro in Hokkaido, and the epicenter has moved southward, confusing scientists". He
then adds that some people think this recent series of tremors is a sign that "something living" is
moving underground. Well, ok, I guess in a nation that has seen a lot of monster attacks, this is a
pretty good conclusion to jump to. If the day's quake was centered up in the corner of Hokkaido,
does this mean that Miyajima's lab is on Hokkaido, too? It can't be, because later it's clearly in
the Tokyo area. Would a smallish (magnitude two) tremor with a epicenter that far away really
effect Tokyo that much? I think not.
We zip back downstairs where Wagura and Saeko are staying up late, still studying the statue and
the photos of the wall art. I'll cheat a bit here and clue you in on something that they're going to
find out soon anyway. The writing on the statue is an instruction manual of sorts. It says that
when "the red moon sets and the sun rises in the west", they can to place the statue on the alter of
Azumi Castle to wake up the beast King Seesar (though it's not said why they would want to do
this). More later. Wagura then asks Saeko to get him a cup of coffee. In his own house! Of a
fellow professional archaeologist! And she says "sure" and does it!!! Man, sucked to be a woman in
Japan in the 1970s.
Anyway, just then a man bursts in the window, brandishing a pistol with a silencer. It's Charles
Bronson!!! (remember, from when he peeked in on Saeko back in Okinawa?) Bronson demands the
statue and then gets into a brawl with Chandler, who rushes downstairs at the sound of the
commotion. Now, this is indeed the lamest fistfight in the history of film, shot with a bouncy
camera and confusing editing cuts, by two pudgy actors trying to by ninjas. Bronson, presumably a
trained killer/thief/assassin/whatever is nearly bested by WASPish engineer Chandler. Saeko
takes the statue and runs (smart girl), but Wagura just stands there being helpless.
On countless occasions, Wagura has openings to smack Bronson on the head with something heavy
as he wrestles on the floor with Chandler, but he just stands there. Even when Bronson looses his
gun and Wagura picks it up, he does nothing with it. Shoot him!!!! Chandler takes quite a beating
here, I counted at least thirteen solid hits to the face. Wagura, shoot him!!! Finally, Bronson
breaks free and dashes out the window, running right past Wagura with the gun. Dammit, shoot
him!!! Arg, you worthless piece of iguana crap!!!!!!!!
Bronson escapes, though Chandler, Wagura and Saeko chase him out into the street. Hey, Saeko
has the statue in her arms! She carried it out into the street, making her an easy target? Anyway,
all this is watched from a distance by Neo, puffing on a cig, looking all bad-ass in his Keanu Reeves
shades.
Ok, we now cut to later that night and some mountain exploding with random booms and flashy
pyrotechnics. What looks like a rock sails by in the sky, accompanied by the standard "whirring"
noise that all UFOs have in low-budget movies. It hits the ground and explodes (???) and from the
debris rises Godzilla (!!!). Ok, all that on film was horribly confusing so I had to go to the literature
to find out what the heck just happened. Apparently, that was Mount Fuji exploding (who knew?)
and Godzilla was encased in that flying rock (who knew?) before busting out of it (who knew?).
Sure. The big lizard starts to make his way downhill towards Tokyo, with some serious urban
stomping in mind. In case you haven't guessed yet by this Godzilla's strangely high-pitched roar,
this is not the "real" Godzilla. More evidence to follow.
Apparently Professor Miyajima's lab is just a few miles from Mount Fuji, because we now see he
and Joey out on the balcony pointing and staring at Godzilla as he comes into view. Also, it's
clearly day time (the pink dawn sky was just seen behind Godzilla) but Joey is wearing the same
clothes. This obviously means that Joey spent the night with the professor and his hot daughter!
You go, man!
Back at Wagura's house, the doctor and Saeko watch the rampaging monster on TV and conclude
that Godzilla is in fact the destroying force from the prophecy. Saeko shakes her head sadly and
laments, "I never would have guessed that the monster could be Godzilla." This statement, more
than any other, highlights the differences between the evil, city-stomping Godzilla of the 1950s and
60s and the kid-friendly, protector of Japan Godzilla of the 1970s.
Chandler is worried about his brother Joey, who he somehow knows is still at Miyajima's (Maybe he
could just telephone over there?) and says he's going to Mount Fuji to find him. By the way,
despite being beaten up badly the night before, Chandler shows no bruises or cuts at all.
We now cut away back to Okinawa where the crusty old grandfather and the young princess have
heard about Godzilla coming to town. The old man goes on this long diatribe about how mainland
Japan deserves to be trashed because of the way the Okinawians have been mistreated by them. I
wonder how this sentiment played in mainland Japanese theatres in 1974, did it make them feel
guilty or just confused? Is this the same thing that we are supposed to feel when movies remind
us how our ancestors mistreated the American Indians?
Anyway, back to our "pseudo-Godzilla" marching on Tokyo. Man, that suit looks bad. The eyes look
painted-on and the dorsal plates flop like half-inflated pool toys. First up on the menu is a big
hotel-looking building, which he just smashes up with particular vigor and malice. This is definitely
not the kindly Godzilla of Godzilla vs. Megalon.
As he continues on towards the city proper, the ground ahead begins to buckle. Focused on
destruction, oh-so-not-Godzilla doesn't see it until it's too late, tripping and falling as the earth
beneath him gives way. Out pops Anguirus, shaking off the dirt and howling with rage. Every time I
see this monster I have to laugh, he just looks so painfully fake. Anguirus is said to be a distant
cousin of the Ankylosaurus, and was previously an ally of Godzilla as recently as 1972's Godzilla Vs. Gigan.
Though it's never said, I assume that the tremors of the last ten days were indeed caused by
Anguirus moving underground. One wonders where he was going, because the fact that he's here in
fake-Godzilla's path seems a little too convenient.
Either Anguirus knows something we don't (snicker), or apparently there has been some type of
falling out between the two since they last battled Gigan and Ghidorah as friends. Did Godzilla
steal his girlfriend, insult his mother, stiff him for a dinner check? Whatever the reason, seconds
after emerging from the ground, Anguirus jumps at the lizard, though he gets kicked away for his
efforts. Anguirus flies through the air to crash into a bridge, marveling us that a 33,000 ton animal
can be kicked so far.
As they square up again, here's the tale of the tape:
Anguirus
Godzilla (or is it? hehehe)
As the music score turns jaunty like a cheap Sunday night Samurai-movie, Anguirus leaps at
Godzilla again, this time connecting with his right shoulder, gashing off some skin. A patch of
gleaming metal is revealed in the wound! Ahah! I knew it, this isn't the real Godzilla! I think I'll
refer to him from now on as...hmm, oh, I don't know, how about "MechaGodzilla"? Yeah, that'll do.
MechaGodzilla then strikes this ridiculous kung-fu pose which just looks dumber than dumb. They
charge at each other again, grappling like sumos. Using his height advantage, MechaGodzilla gets
the upper hand, smacking Anguirus on the top the head four times before kicking him in the ribs.
That's got to hurt.
Stunned and prone, Angiurus is powerless to stop MechaGodzilla from grabbing his tail, lifting him
up off the ground, and smacking him back down like a rag doll. I can only imagine the enormous
expenditure of force and leverage required to lift Anguirus by his tail like that, clearly the laws of
physics are being ignored here. MechaGodzilla then literally "dusts himself off" (!!!) and grabs
Anguirus' tail again. He smacks him on the ground five more times, until Anguirus is dazed and
hurtin' real bad.
MechaGodzilla then straddles him and grabs his jaws and pulls them apart as Anguirus' tongue
flaps in a nice touch. This vicious wrestling move breaks Anguirus' jaw and blood spews all over the
ground. The blood is lava-orange and thick like jelly and stains MechaGodzilla's hands. Regaining
some strength, Anguirus scuttles away to burrow back beneath the ground, his ripped-up jaw
dragging the in the dirt. He will never be seen again in the Godzilla series (though there was some
aborted talk of bringing the monster back in the 1990s). MechaGodzilla roars his strange roar and
heads back downhill. Hey! Where did the blood on his hands go?!?! Must have had a wet-wipe in his
pocket.
Meanwhile, Chandler is driving along the mountain roads, presumably heading for Miyajima's lab to
save his brother Joey. He's driving a great Nissan Skyline coupe painted a sickly, bright orange. Is
it his or his uncles'?
His road is soon blocked by a landslide, presumably caused by the monster fight. As he attempts
to clear it by hand (good luck!) he notices a brick of shiny metal in the debris. By brick, I mean
brick. It literally looks like a brick spray-painted silver.
He apparently finds a short cut, because in the next scene Chandler is at the professor's lab where
the scientist identifies the brick as space titanium, just like the chip that Joey found. Miyajima
hands Chandler the chip and the brick, he looks at them both for two seconds and then says,
"You're right, it is the same metal." Right, and you can tell that with a glance. Got an "A" in
Exo-Geological 101, did you, Chandler?
Miyajima wants to go get a closer look at Godzilla, who is still raging in Tokyo. As they leave, he
introduces us to his "special smoking pipe". For some reason he has invented a pipe that when
separated into two pieces, causes "magnetic waves to develop that will destroy the positive and
negative electrodes". Why the hell would anyone build such a device? Unless you are Q, that is,
and 007 needs a nifty gadget to escape from Blofeld's prison. Not exactly the sort of thing I'd be
sticking in my mouth. BTW, a close-up shows us that the pipe has the initials "H.M." on the bottom
(this will come into play later). The letters are in English, so I guess this close-up was re-shot for
the American version?
Ok, so Miyajima, his hot daughter Eiko, Joey and Chandler all pile into Chandler's orange Skyline
and zip over to where Godzilla is about to smash up an oil refinery. Apparently there are no road
blocks, police or army units around to keep civilians from wandering into a battle zone. It's now
fully night time, so we're forced to wonder what has been going on in the many hours since the
dawn fight between Anguirus and our imposter? Perhaps it took that long for them to make their
way down to where the action was? Maybe MechaGodzilla stopped at a ramen bar, had a few
Fosters, got caught up watching the cricket matches on TV and lost track of time until his wife
called and told him to get to work NOW!!!
As they pull up, MechaGodzilla is having a grand time kicking up the refinery, blasting away with his
Atomic Fire Breath (which is bright yellow, again marking him as fake) and wading through the
impressive resulting explosions. This is indeed one of the better refinery-stomping scenes in the
whole Godzilla series, with enough gas-fueled explosions to make Michael Bey weep. The refinery is
on the shores of Tokyo Bay and the flames are reflected in the dark waters of the bay, a very
neat effect.
A warehouse suddenly explodes upwards, and out of the smoke rises...another Godzilla!!! This one
belts out our beloved roar, signaling that he is the one true Godzilla. While this is an exciting
entrance, it makes us wonder what he was doing under the ground in the first place. Where did he
come from, how long had he been underground? Maybe it was he, and not Anguirus, that was
causing the earthquakes?
Anyway, MechaGodzilla and Godzilla square off in the flaming ruins of the refinery. MechaGodzilla
wastes no time on introductions, shooting off a yellow Atomic Fire Breath at Godzilla that barely
misses to the right.
We leave Tokyo now to go to the Okinawa control center of the "alien race" that's controlling
MechaGodzilla. The HQ is a barebones set with the look of a 1940s Flash Gordon serial,
decorated with simple plastic panels and sparse furniture. There are flashing lights and switches
everywhere, as you might expect, and the monster action is viewed on several large monitors. The
aliens look just like Japanese men with bad 1970s hair and silver jumpsuits, they will prove to
possess neither superpowers or great intellect.
It's here that we meet the Evil Alien Commander (he's not given any other name) who's
masterminding this whole fake Godzilla plot. He's played by Goro Mutsu, a 40-year old actor with a
penchant for cigars and bad sunglasses. The instant you first see him, you will be struck at how
similar he looks to George Takai, Star Trek's Mister Sulu. For that reason, he will be
"Mister Sulu" for the rest of this review. Mutsu returned in Terror of MechaGodzilla playing another similar
alien leader.
In the interests of clarity, I'm going to cheat here and give you some information that you won't
get until later in the film. MechaGodzilla was built by the "Simeons", a race of aliens from the
"third planet of the black hole". Apparently their solar system is being "pulled into the black hole"
and they're out looking for somewhere else to set up home. Earth is their choice but they have to
eliminate Godzilla first so the puny humans can be pushed around. To this end, they have "studied
Godzilla for many years", and decided to create their own mechanized version to both defeat him
and then to take over the world.
If this sounds familiar, it's because the same basic plot line has been used in the last few movies
before this one. In both Godzilla vs. Gigan and Godzilla vs. Megalon, aliens disguised as humans were
controlling monsters in much the same fashion. Instead of badly-realized cockroaches, however,
whenever the Simeons suffer some type of injury, that part of the body reveals its real form,
which is a cheap ape suit. The Planet of the Apes franchise was very popular in America
during the early 1970s (the fourth sequel being released the same year as our film) and Toho was
looking to cash in on that by making the aliens intelligent apes masquerading as humans.
Back to the action now. Facing off again in the ruins of the refinery, the two beasts bump chests
and then Godzilla knocks a radio tower into MechaGodzilla. As the flames billow up around them
from the raging fires, they grapple again. Godzilla misses with a roundhouse right, but connects
with a quick elbow snapped back. Another hunk of skin is torn from MechaGodzilla's left shoulder,
revealing more shiny metal. They separate again, and Godzilla notices the patch of metal. Godzilla
cocks his head to one side as if he's doing a vaudeville double-take and says, "What the...?". He
then heats up his spines and shoots two strong Atomic Fire Breaths (in familiar glowing blue) into
MechaGodzilla's stomach, ripping off more fake skin.
The gig is up now, and the aliens back at HQ flip a switch and burn off the rest of the fake skin,
revealing MechaGodzilla in its true form. Even I have to admit that MechaGodzilla just looks damn
cool here. All shiny metal (that space titanium again), with pronounced rivets, bellows at the joints
and an array of missile and beam weapons, MechaGodzilla is one bad mutha. His weaponry includes
eight fingertip-launched missiles (four per hand), six toe-launched missiles (three per foot), a
powerful attack beam from his chest, maser beams emitted from his eyes, as well as the ability to
fly at high speeds and form a protective force field by spinning his head (!!!). Cool! MechaGodzilla
is listed as being 164-feet tall (same as Godzilla) and a whopping 44,000-tons heavy (more than
twice that of Godzilla). On paper, this looks like a terribly unfair fight, with all his weapons and
technology, MechaGodzilla should mop the floor with Godzilla. We'll just have to see if Godzilla's
moxie and attitude can win the day.
If I may digress, one does has to wonder about the fingertip missiles, however. The warhead is
clearly larger than the diameter of the barrel, making them look like a Russian RPG or a German
Panzerfaust. So how are they reloaded? And were they unloaded when the fake skin was on,
because his fingers didn't look any longer or wider when his skin was on. I hate this movie. One
also has to wonder about the yellow fire breath from before. It's never seen again, though it
seemed to be an extremely powerful weapon. MechaGodzilla's mouth shows no sign of a barrel or
vent for that fire breath, so we wonder where it came from. As well, when in disguise
MechaGodzilla's dorsal plates heated up just like the real Godzilla's do when it fired. Why didn't
anyone connected with the editing process notice this at the time? I know it looks cool to have
MechaGodzilla shoot a different color flame, but it defies explanation.
Back to the Okinawa base now. The remote controls that run MechaGodzilla from here are
laughably simplistic. There are no joysticks, no wheels, no levers, no touch screens, no keyboards
or mice. Just dozens of seemingly unlabeled, flip-switches mated to either a green or red light.
There is apparently a switch for "Strike a stupid ninja pose", because that's what we see happen
repeatedly.
With the flip of another random unmarked switch, MechaGodzilla now shoots off eight of his
fingertip missiles. Since we see an insert shot of the left hand firing four, then another shot of the
left hand firing four, either he's holding the right hand in reserve or they just re-used the footage.
And again, there is no way to reload the missiles unless they have collapsible warheads, but that
makes no sense whatsoever. At least one of the missiles smacks Godzilla in the left shoulder,
knocking him on his butt. This is the only visible hit on him, so I guess the other seven missed,
despite the short range.
While Godzilla struggles on the ground, MechaGodzilla clanks up and from his eyes fires twin maser
beams of rainbow-colored light. Godzilla barely rolls out of the way as the beams stab into the
ground. On his feet again, Godzilla fires off an Atomic Fire Breath at the same time
MechaGodzilla shoots his maser eyes a second time. The two energy weapons meet in the middle
and explode in a thunderous fireball. I guess whatever energy source powered the masers reacted
with Godzilla's plasma breath to explode with tremendous force?
The concussive force tosses Godzilla into the bay, where he sinks out of sight in the rolling,
frothing water. Dark red blood boils up to show that Godzilla is hurt real bad. The blast also
knocks MechaGodzilla over, and his "head controls are out of order" now (so says the alien
technicians back in the control center). In reporting the damage to Mister Sulu, one of them calls
him "Chief", which seems like an informal title for the Alien Commander.
Sulu orders that the machine be returned to the Okinawa base for repairs, and another random
flip of an unmarked switch causes MechaGodzilla to fly off, rocket jets in the soles of his feet
blasting. The amount of thrust and the fuel requirements to lift a 44,000-ton hunk of metal and
fly it all the way to Okinawa are beyond the scope of measurement. There simply has to be a
propellant working here that we don't yet know the properties of. The Internet literature quotes a
speed of Mach 5 for MechaGodzilla in flight mode, though this is preposterous in light of the
robot's singularly un-aerodynamic shape and huge dragging weight.
Following this, our heroes discuss what just happened. It's Professor Miyajima who names the
machine "MechaGodzilla", though in a previous scene Mister Sulu calls it by that name also, which is
just bad continuity. Miyajima also makes the intuitive leap that since the machine was made of
space titanium, then it must be "remotely controlled by spacemen". Um, why remotely controlled,
as far as you know it could have a full crew inside, or even be totally under its own control like the
Terminator. But, hey, you're the scientist, so you must be right. He further says that he's
going to Okinawa in the morning to see the cave where Joey found the chip in the beginning of the
movie. Here, he's sure, he will find clues.
Cut back to the aliens' huge underground Okinawa base. MechaGodzilla is here undergoing repairs,
standing up straight like an ICBM in a silo. Technicians with evil-looking goatees mill around fixing
things. Swilling brandy, Mister Sulu watches the work on his monitors. One tech says to him, "Hey,
these repairs are going to take a long time." "Hey"? That's pretty informal for a group of
world-destroying aliens, don't you think? Is this the Dutch Army? Another tech says, "If we lose
too much time, headquarters will discover our mistake." "our mistake"? That they underestimated
Godzilla? That they got the robot damaged? What's the mistake?
Sulu replies to all these negative reports, "Don't worry about it. We'll use an earthman who knows
space technology." So, what, your robot doesn't come with an owner's manual? Didn't you guys
build it? Why would a spaceman from a civilization technologically advanced enough to built
MechaGodzilla and travel across the cosmos need to enlist a human for help. These are the lamest
alien conquerors this side of Battlefield Earth.
Sulu then says "Tell Agent Number One to steal the statue of King Seesar. Now that they've
solved the puzzle of the statue, the monster can wake up anytime. We'll be in trouble if King
Seesar brings other monsters to life." What??? At no time have we heard about King Seesar's
ability to rally other monsters, and what other monsters? And how does Sulu know that they've
"solved the puzzle of the statue"?
We never know because we cut instantly to a cruise ship sailing the open sea. It's a smallish
single-funnel ship, painted white with an orange sunburst on the side. We see that Saeko and
Chandler are aboard, standing at the portside rail. Chandler says, "The spacemen will never guess
we're taking the Queen Coral to Okinawa." To which Saeko replies, "We're outsmarting them
this time."
Ok, what? How would or could they know that the spacemen are interested in them at this point of
the movie? The whole "spaceman" idea is just a theory at this point. Why would they think that
they would be interested in them or even know or care they're alive? Did they guess that the
spacemen would be after the statue? If so, then how? And why do they assume that a race
capable of crossing the galaxy and building a robot would not be able to track two people on a big,
slow boat? And Saeko said that they were "outsmarting them this time", what does that mean? At
this point in the movie, you've had no prior dealings with the spacemen (that they know of).
Sure enough, things get sneaky when we see that Neo is on the ship as well. He's still dressed in his
black trenchcoat and turtleneck, aviator shades and puffing on a cigarette, so much for trying to
remain sneaky.
Anyway, we now bounce back to Okinawa, back to the cave where Joey found the chip of Space
Titanium from the beginning of the movie. Miyajima, his hot daughter Eiko and Joey are here,
wandering through the strangely well-lit cave. I guess they weren't trying to "outsmart" the
spacemen so they just took a plane from Japan. Miyajima, incidentally, is smoking his "special pipe"
and is dressed like a RAF Flying Officer, while Joey I believe is wearing the same outfit he had on
the day before. Eiko, for her part, is spelunking in high black go-go boots and a red plaid jacket
with pronounced black horizontal stripes that could not possibly be flattering on any woman. She's
also carrying a little black purse, and not one with a shoulder strap, but just a small handle, which
has just got to be a pain to go caving with.
And for being so dumb, they're captured by the spacemen. If you haven't figured it out by now,
the spacemen have their secret base in this very cave (imagine the odds!). When surprised,
Miyajima drops his fancy pipe (remember this for later). They're led into the spacemen's base,
which really looks like the basement of some office building, complete with cinder block walls,
checkerboard tile floors and pipes along the walls. The set dressers have filled it with
sciencey-looking workstations and banks of flashing lights to make it seem all spacemany and alien,
but we are not impressed.
Brought into the "control room", the three humans are confronted by Mr. Sulu, who tells Miyajima
that they "have been waiting for him". Umm, the good professor is here because he stumbled into
their space-cave on his own volition, right? This is the man that the aliens needed desperately to
fix their robot and instead of just kidnapping him they waited for him to come poking around their
cave? What if he had decided to go to California instead? Perhaps the aliens were spying on him all
the while and knew he was heading for the cave? Maybe, but this just seems pretty stupid on the
aliens' part to let the crucial part of their plans for global domination just wander around the
place.
Mr. Sulu introduces himself as "Commander for Conquest of Earth, from the Third Planet of the
Black Hole, Outer Space", and his shiny spacesuit sure is impressive. Less impressive is the belt
around his very ample stomach with the obvious ape-head buckle stolen directly from the Planet
of the Apes prop mail order catalogue.
He then explains that MechaGodzilla is busted and they need Miyajima's "expertise that won him
the Nobel Prize" to fix it up. He attempts to whet Miyajima's appetite by saying that their
scientists created the robot after careful study of Godzilla (which again begs the question why
they can't fix it themselves) but Miyajima doesn't bite. So, taking advantage of his daughter being
there, Mr. Sulu orders Eiko and Joey dragged off to the "Execution Room" to blackmail him to
agree to help them. At this, Miyajima concedes, but not before Mr. Sulu points this tiny little ray
gun at him.
BTW, even though Miyajima can't be a day over 40 and seemingly physically fit, and Joey is a
young kid in good shape, neither of them really resist too much when the aliens move to drag off
Eiko. Her "father" doesn't put up much of a fight, even though there are only two alien guards
there and he is much bigger than at least one of them. Hate to have him as my dad if someone
tries to mug us.
Here's also a good place to complain about the sweating. Everyone in this movie, especially
Miyajima seems to be sweating profusely in every scene and every setting. Here in the spaceman's
lair, presumably far underground in a climate controlled environment, Miyajima is drenched in icky
sweat. Movies are supposed to make their leading men look good, not like summer-help construction
workers.
Ok, now we cut back to the cruise ship Queen Coral to reconnect with Chandler and Saeko.
It's dusk and they're at the railing looking out at the sea. Without any audio cue Saeko says that
she just thought that she heard Godzilla (though her lip movements don't match the dialogue,
suggesting that she said something completely different). Chandler didn't hear anything, as did we.
In the immediate next scene, we see Godzilla, so I guess she somehow did hear Godzilla. Would it
have hurt to have the editors foley in a little soft Godzilla sound into the last scene? And is Saeko
supposed to have some supernatural ESP powers? Or was the island that we are about to see
Godzilla on close enough to the shipping lanes to have been heard? I think the American editors
realized how rough the transition between these scenes was and inserted the bit about Saeko
hearing Godzilla to smooth it out.
And so we have another Godzilla scene. It's dark, it's pouring buckets of rain, it's lightning like a
mug, but other than that we can't tell a thing. I guess it's some island, or maybe not, but wherever
it is, Godzilla is here. In a new twist we've never seen before, Godzilla suddenly becomes a
lightning rod. In a few seconds he's smacked by at least 14 lighting bolts, which cause him to glow
bluish in one of the lamest, cheesiest, most amateur special effects of all time. I had to go to the
Internet fansites again to figure out what just happened. It seems Godzilla used the lightning to
replenish his energy and heal his wounds from his fight with MechaGodzilla. Does this seem right?
Anyway, we quickly cut back to the cruise ship. We see Charles Bronson (remember him from
Saeko's office back at Shuri University and the break-in at the Wagura's?) sneak up and pick the
lock on Saeko's stateroom door. While the pretty lady sleeps (still wearing lipstick, BTW) he
tiptoes over to her luggage and takes out a King Seesar-sized box and sneaks back out.
Next we see Bronson entering his own stateroom with the box. I guess it's his stateroom, I can't
imagine it would be someone else's room, especially on a passenger liner where all the doors lock.
Instead of leaving it in the box, he opens the lid and takes out the statue and places it on the desk
for some reason.
Suddenly, Chandler (?!?!?) leaps him from behind and knocks him to the floor. What??? Was
Chandler in Bronson's room all along? He must have been, because we didn't see or hear the door
open, and presumably the doors lock automatically when closed like hotel rooms. How did he know
that Bronson was even on the boat, let alone what room he was in, let alone be able to get into his
room without a key, let alone know that Bronson was even going to steal the statue that night and
take it back to his room. And if he did know his plans, then he took a huge chance by leaving Saeko
alone, not knowing if Bronson would have killed Saeko to keep his actions secret (which is logically
what he should have done). This is such a stupidass movie.
And so we have yet another lame fist fight between Chandler and Charles Bronson. Bronson pulls
another silenced pistol (I guess he bought a spare) but Chandler knocks it out of his hand. While
wrestling, Bronson then pulls a knife and cuts Chandler's hand. It could have been worse but
Chandler manages to avoid several knife swings, showing him to be a master of knife fighting as
well as a pretty good construction foreman. Getting ahold of the gun, Chandler shoots Bronson in
the right eye (!!!), staggering him back against the cabin wall.
Now, we have a bullet fired from at most six feet away hitting a man in the eye and there's no
blood or anything at all (to be fair this is a Rated G movie). Then the right side of Bronson's face
morphs into a terribly bad ape mask. I guess that whatever effect that the aliens used to mask
themselves as human was stripped away by the bullet. His lower set of teeth strangely elongate
and he begins grunting in ape-like tones, all to show us the simian nature of the aliens real
appearance.
But again, he was just shot in the face by a handgun at close range, and as we shall see later, the
aliens are just as mortal as humans, so why is Charles Bronson still alive in the first place. But he is
alive and seemingly unhurt, and he grabs the statue and runs out of the stateroom. Chandler, still
holding the gun, has about a million chances to shoot him again but does not (what the hell!!! First
Wagura and now you!!!), but instead just chases him out into the night.
We then have a horribly ugly chase-fight along the open deck of the ship, highlighted by Bronson
throwing flimsy metal deck chairs at Chandler as he chases after him. Despite the fact that it's
morning (we clearly see the rising sun), there's strangely no one else on deck. Chandler carries the
gun the whole time but still refuses to use it, and even looses it back to Bronson at the end. Then,
just when we hope to God that he shoots Chandler and puts us out of our misery, Bronson is shot
himself by an unknown gunman. Still holding the statue, Bronson (read: an obviously fake prop
dummy dressed like Bronson) falls overboard into the sea.
Saeko, who has awakened to find the statue gone, runs up to him just then. As they talk about the
strange way Bronson fell overboard (Chandler guesses he was shot), they're approached by Neo,
the mysterious man in black that has been tailing them all movie long. With a big smile he says to
them, "Hey, on a night like this, you should talk about love." What? Who wrote that line? He then
just walks away, and despite the circumstances, Chandler and Saeko just let him go without even so
much as a word. Of course, Neo shot Charles Bronson, we just have to wait until later to find out
why.
Next we jump ahead to see our two heroes leaving the cruise ship once it has docked in Okinawa.
The ship's Captain (another bit part appearance by the legendary Kenji Sahara) gives them an
identical box to the one that they lost. Chandler explains to a surprised Saeko that the statue they
lost was a fake and the real one was in the Captain's safe. What the hell? Why would he have
done that? Did he suspect that someone was going to try and steal the statue again? Logical since
Charles Bronson tried to steal it before at the Waguras, but did he really have the time to get a
fake made? How much time has passed here anyway? Chandler quotes Sun Tsu by saying to
Saeko, "What friends don't know, enemies don't know." Classy.
Back in his eyesore orange Nissan Skyline coupe, Chandler and Saeko go to find Miyajima, Eiko and
Joey at their hotel. They're not there, the desk clerk saying they have been missing for some time.
Leaving Saeko alone at the hotel (which seems odd considering the two armed robbery attempts so
far) Chandler drives off to the cave to hunt for the missing people. We see, indeed, that some
strange man we've never seen before is now watching over Saeko from afar.
Back inside the spacebase, Miyajima has apparently fixed the broken MechaGodzilla. Man, he's
sweating like a Guatemalan tomato picker in July! I'd think having all that dripping liquid around all
that open, exposed electrical stuff would be asking for trouble. Get that man a hankie! Mr. Sulu
then says that he will now be taken to see his daughter and released. But, sneaky ape that he is,
Mr. Sulu tosses Miyajima into the "Execution Room" with Eiko and Joey and tells him he's going to
die, too.
Now, first of all, Mr. Sulu is assuming that Miyajima actually did fix his robot and not just saying
that he did, or even secretly sabotaged it. The professor could have done this as he obviously
knows more about the robot than any of the aliens do. As well, what if the robot breaks again?
Why would Mr. Sulu kill off the one person who can fix it again? Dumb alien apes. Anyway, in a
not-too-unexpected James Bondish twist, the execution room is a big "sauna of death", with steam
jets and heat lamps. This will take quite a long time as we shall see. Way too much time in the next
ten minutes of the film are spent showing us close-ups of Eiko's face as the three of them suffer
in the sauna, another example of the Japanese fixation of young women being tortured on film.
Back to Chandler, sweating like an overworked Pakistani dockworker but not willing to take off his
jacket or tie, who's now in the cave. He finds the professor's pipe and is surprised by two armed
spaceman sentries. Just as Chandler is about to be shot dead, Neo appears, shooting one of the
sentries and karate-chopping the other. We see the sentry's hand morphing into a bad ape hand as
he (presumably) dies. Though when Charles Bronson was just wounded, his face changed into a ape,
so maybe only the sentry's hand was hurt. Who knows, who cares? I just want to know how Neo
got here so quick.
Neo is sweating worse than anyone I've ever seen, short of an Amish farmer behind his horse-plow.
Gallons of sweat are pouring off his face, it must have been hellishly hot in the cave set for the
actors to be sweating that much. Neo is also still wearing his sunglasses! What the hell? I'm all
for staying in character, but come on!
Chandler asks Neo who he is and Neo obligingly tells him everything. It seems Neo is really an
Interpol Police Organization agent named Nanbara. Apparently some six months ago, Interpol
learned about the spacemen and have been investigating them since. Alien invasions are handled by
Interpol? Don't you think something as important would be handled by more than just one guy in
sunglasses?
Ah, apparently the sentry with the ape hand glove was just knocked out, because Neo now "wakes
him up" and orders him to lead them to the secret base. To gain entrance to the base, there's an
exchange of passwords shouted through the metal door (!!!). Tell me again how dumb these aliens
are? They can build an underground base and a huge robot but they can't put up a closed-circuit
camera or even a peephole in the door? The passwords, by the way, are "Alpha" and "Centarus".
Having knocked out the one (!!!) guard on the inside of the door, Chandler and Neo take their
clothes and gear to be able to move about the base more easily.
They jump the one (!!!) guard outside the door of the Sauna of Death. There's a simple push button
directly beside the door on an otherwise empty wall, but instead of pushing it, Neo just shoots it
with his gun. This somehow opens the door when you'd think that it wouldn't. Once inside, they,
however, are surprised by two more armed alien guards. Neo goes for his gun, which is now
suddenly tucked in his back belt, and shoots them both. Hey, wait! Our two heroes don alien
clothes to rescue a woman from a prison cell? Just like in Star Wars on the Death Star!
George Lucas has got a lot of explaining to do.
As alarms sound, Mr. Sulu, looking annoyed to no end, watches our heroes running out through the
cave on a monitor. So I guess they did have security cameras in the cave? If so, then why didn't
they catch the sentries being killed or the forced entry into the base? Who runs the security for
this base, Ray Charles? Ah, but Mr. Sulu says, "Goodbye, stupid earthmen" so we know that he's
got a plan.
Sure enough, as the five of them cram into Chandler's Skyline, Neo stops Chandler from turning
the key. Apparently from the editing here, Chandler left the key in the ignition while he went into
the cave. This seems really trusting, even for Okinawa. After everyone is out of the car, Neo rigs
a wire to the key and turns it from a distance, and sure enough the car explodes with a huge boom!.
Now how did he know the car was rigged to blow? I guess that's why he's a secret agent man.
Just then, they notice that the moon is blood red, in fulfillment of the prophesy from the cave.
Neo declares he's going back into the cave to "take care of those bastards" while the rest of them
head off for Azumi Castle with the statue. Joey and Miyajima go with Neo--Joey probably
because he's jealous of his brother getting to do all the action-hero stuff, and the professor to
redeem himself for having helped the aliens with their robot. Chandler gives him his pipe back
(remember this).
Ok, Neo, Miyajima and Joey sneak back into the cave and reach the door again. Ok, first off,
since they're only armed with the agent's pistol, you have to wonder why they didn't take any of
the spaceman guns from all the guards that they eliminated before? Wouldn't it be easier to
invade and destroy an alien base if more than only one out of the three men were armed? And
what happened to the security cameras in the cave and outside the entrance? And why didn't they
post more guards in the cave and outside the door once they realized how easily their security was
breached before? Wouldn't a pile of dead guards cause you to beef up your defenses a little?
And laughably worse, we're soon to hear that the passwords to gain entrance to the base haven't
even changed! Using the same "Alpha-Centarus" trick, Neo kills the one (still!!!) guard on the inside
of the door and they rush in.
We now cut back to Chandler and the girls. How Chandler and Eiko make it back to the hotel to get
Saeko and the statue is never explained, but somehow they do. Maybe they took Neo's car? The
editing here makes it seem that they get back to the city before the three men even start to enter
the cave, but this has got to be just bad cutting. We see them next at Azumi Castle, running down
a flight of stairs. Both girls, running side by side, seem to be struggling to keep up, but Chandler
reaches back and takes only Saeko's hand to steady her. Poor Eiko must feel like she's a fifth
wheel here as icky sweaty love blossoms between Chandler and Saeko.
Ah, but more danger erupts as gunshots ring out! As two bullets kick up dirt around them, they
dive for the ground. Watch as Eiko grabs Saeko's butt as they are on the ground, mmmm...very
kinky/slashy. We see that two alien guards have taken the Azumi princess and her grandfather
hostage. One guard, pointing a gun at the princess, says "give the statue to me or the old man and
the girl will die!".
A few things here. First the guns they hold are the same that we've seen the guards with the
entire movie but never fire before. Here we see that they are standard projectile weapons,
strange considering the laser and maser technology that the aliens have already shown us. Also,
the guards are wearing their shiny silver spaceman suits, out in public, seemingly making no attempt
at being inconspicuous. Also, if they want the damn statue so bad, why don't they just shoot
everyone there and take it off their bleeding corpses? They have the drop on Chandler and the
girls, after all.
Just as they're about to hand over the statue, the two guards are shot dead by the strange man
that we earlier saw watching over Saeko at the hotel (while Chandler went off to the cave). He's
obviously an Interpol agent too as he's wearing the same kind of sunglasses that Neo had on.
Sure enough, he introduces himself as Neo's partner Tamura. In a strange bit, all the people here
now exchange some weird looks. Chandler looks stern and concerned. Saeko and Eiko seem to be
fawning over Tamura like twelve-year olds at a Ricky Martin concert. The princess and her
grandfather look at each other as if to say, "Ah, the valiant Japanese have saved us! I take back
every bad thing I've ever said about the mainlanders!". Tamura is played by Takayasu Torii, and as
with the others, this is the only movie credit listed for him in the IMDB. I know this role killed his
career, it better have.
Just then they notice that the sun is rising in the west, in accordance to the prophesy. Chandler
deduces that it's a mirage (how???). Saeko takes the statue and runs up to a small platform on a
wall of the castle where she places it gently. How the hell did she know that was the right place to
put it, or even the right direction to face it, or anything? Anyway, the rays from the sun are
reflected off the statue's eyes and a beam of red light shoots out. The beam clearly strikes a
small rocky island surrounded by water. Ok, does a "mirage" of the sun project rays? I don't
think so, but I may be wrong. And if the statue was facing the real sun (to the east) then the
castle has got to be on the island's eastern coast, right? To check this I went Googling and could
not find any reference to any "Azumi castle". Little help here? In the next movie, the scene of the
coming battle is clearly on the west coast of Okinawa, which doesn't jive with the rising sun. Arg.
Anyway, the beam causes the rock to explode (???) and in the resulting hole we see the legendary
King Seesar's face.
Back at the spacebase, Mr. Sulu learns that "they have freed King Seesar". To which he replies
dejectedly that "our men have failed to get the statue", to which the audience replies, "maybe you
should have sent more than two men to get it, you numbnuts!". Hey, wait, how did they know that
the monster has been awakened? They must have a recon patrol watching the castle grounds. Mr.
Sulu decides that King Seesar will be MechaGodzilla's first victim and orders the robot launched.
So MechaGodzilla emerges from his silo through a sliding door by use of his foot-mounted jets. He
then lands and begins walking. I guess that the fuel for the jets is not unlimited and to be used
only when needed, otherwise it would make more sense for the robot to just fly all the way to King
Seesar and kill him before the monster was ready. One also has to wonder about all that backblast
jet exhaust contained in the seemingly enclosed silo.
Arriving too late, Neo, Miyajima and Joey decide to head for the control room to try and stop the
robot. They charge into the control room, but are frozen in place by some sort of electric
bug-zapper as Mr. Sulu laughs evilly. He speaks into a corded microphone, "MechaGodzilla, kill King
Seesar quickly". So, the robot uses a voice-activation system in addition to the simple flip-switches
and blinking lights? Why didn't we see this technology before when everything about the robot was
controlled with switches?
Now, apparently, King Seesar can only be reawakened by a "direct descendant of the Azumi royal
family". So the fair princess runs down to the beach and drops to her knees as a musical number
starts. She then sings this corny pop tune that somehow awakens King Seesar, which is nothing like
the Mothra song, really. The song is not dubbed, thankfully, and I'm sure the words are quite
lame. It works, however, and the rocks explode outward to expose the now fully-awake King
Seesar.
Ugg, what a pathetic monster. Imagine the biggest floppy-eared Pekinese you have ever seen, or
one of those Foo Lions you see dancing in Chinese parades. His fur is shaggy and his teeth are
pointy and he has three claws per hand (without a thumb one wonders how he picks up anything).
He's about the size of Godzilla but obviously vastly lighter on his feet. His sole special power is the
ability to absorb energy beams projected at him in his right eye, and re-direct them back at his
adversary through his left eye!!!!!
King Seesar awakens just in time, as MechaGodzilla arrives on the scene. The battle is set and
here's the tale of the tape.
King Seesar
MechaGodzilla
MechaGodzilla starts off the battle by shooting out his maser beams from his eyes. The twin beam
hits King right in his right eye where it's reflected back out of his left eye (!!!), striking
MechaGodzilla in the chest. One can only marvel at the properties of King's eyes that allow them
to absorb and re-direct energy in such a way. King follows this up by running headlong at
MechaGodzilla, but is fended off by an arm block, crashing him to the ground. It's obvious in the
coming fight that King Seesar will have to use his superior agility and foot speed if he is to survive.
King Seesar gets up in time to receive and re-direct another maser blast back at MechaGodzilla,
hitting him in the throat this time. Why does MechaGodzilla keep aiming for King Seesar's eyes?
After a few of that re-direct thing, wouldn't they start aiming somewhere else? Anyway, King
Seesar charges again, and this time tackles MechaGodzilla to the ground. Both back on their feet
again, we get some nifty kung-fu moves. King Seesar ducks under a left-arm swing and then blocks
a right-arm swing, trapping the arm and using the leverage to toss MechaGodzilla to the ground
where he crashes into a building. King Seesar jumps on him and smacks him on the chest a couple of
times before MechaGodzilla shoves him off.
Separated again, we get one more maser beam re-directed back sequence (though we don't see
where the beam hits MechaGodzilla). Seeing how that isn't working (duh, try aiming for the belly,
morons!), MechaGodzilla tries out his finger-tip missiles. He fires off eight missiles in two separate
volleys both from his right hand. King Seesar jumps behind a thick rocky spire that takes most of
the hits, though one and possible two hit him squarely in the chest. King Seesar seems to be a flesh
and blood creature, so we wonder how hits from explosive-tipped projectiles can seem to cause no
visible damage.
Showing some nifty tactical strategy, MechaGodzilla then fires his powerful attack beam from an
emitter on his chest. The emitter is behind a flip-down door that opens real cool, much cooler than
the horrid "special" effect used to realize the beam--a bright red zig-zag cartoon lightning
bolt-looking thing. The attack beam shears off the rock spire, exposing King Seesar. King Seesar
gives a comical look that says, "Damn! I am way out of my league, here!" before MechaGodzilla
quickly fires off four more missiles from his right hand. At least two hit King solidly, knocking him
to the ground in a shower of sparks and dust. As with the earlier battle with Godzilla, we wonder
why the robot only fires missiles from one hand per battle.
MechaGodzilla then charges in to deal out some serious hand-to-hand thrashing. King Seesar gets
his furry butt kicked royally here, MechaGodzilla showing a wide range of moves from jamming his
hand into King Seesar's mouth, to kicking him in the stomach when he's down, to the head squeeze,
to the classic karate chop to the neck.
Back in the spacebase, our three intrepid heroes are chained up in the control room where they can
watch MechaGodzilla stomp his enemies. Mr. Sulu reminds Miyajima that he helped fix the robot,
insulting the man's honor to no end. I'm still wondering why he's keeping them alive now when
before he tried to kill them off several times. Neo, because he's James Bond, slips a signet ring
off his finger and begins to use it to pick the lock on his chains.
Back at the battle, just as King Seesar is almost down for the count, the waters of the sea boil and
rage. Out of the water leaps Godzilla! Chandler intones that his appearance must be the
prophesized third monster that will appear, and he is right on. Mr. Sulu is also surprised to see
Godzilla still alive and picks up his microphone, "MechaGodzilla, beat Godzilla to death!" And so the
two main duelers square off again in a clearing near the coast. MechaGodzilla strikes a
stupid-looking kung-fu pose once again.
Godzilla starts off the battle by firing off a quick Atomic Fire Breath blast, which misses as
MechaGodzilla engages its jets and flies straight up, showing an enormous amount of on-demand
thrust that must result in a very high G-factor effect. Godzilla then (and I really mean this) does
one of those swinging-arm finger snaps as if to say, "Aww shucks! I missed!". It's the dumbest bit
of anthropomorphizing I've ever seen in a Godzilla movie. While airborne, MechaGodzilla zaps
Godzilla with his eye masers, hitting him in the throat and knocking him down.
We cut quickly back to the spacebase where an exuberant Mr. Sulu orders his robot to finish him
off. We watch his monitors with him as they show Godzilla smack against the ground in a cloud of
dust. The camera angle is at ground level so we have to wonder where the camera is that is taking
this image, since it can't be from MechaGodzilla, who is flying at the time. Perhaps there is a
silver-suited alien with a camcorder hooked to a satellite transmitter out on the battlefield?
Neo has by now straightened his ring and is using it to pick his handcuffs, while Miyajima has pulled
his pipe out of his back pocket and is unscrewing it. Please don't tell me that these intergalactic
spacemen use padlocks that can be picked with a blunt piece of bendable metal, please. Indeed, he
manages to unhook his chains just this way.
Back at the battle, MechaGodzilla lands again. King Seesar finally decides to come out of hiding
(coward!) and advances towards MechaGodzilla in his loopy, bouncy gait. He tries to sneak up
behind MechaGodzilla but the robot's head swivels 180 degrees to face him and he stops cold in his
tracks. In a very, very nifty tracking shot we follow MechaGodzilla's eye-view of King Seesar
back along his arm to a point-of-view shot of Godzilla. There's going to be some serious hurtin'
going on here, I can feel it.
From his backwards head he fires his maser beams at King Seesar, from his right foot he launches
three missiles at Godzilla. The camera angle doesn't allow us to see if these attacks hit, however.
MechaGodzilla then aims his right hand at the ground (the foreground of our picture) and shoots
off four missiles that blow up some random structures on the ground. We wonder why he wasted
ammunition on some sheds and houses, but the pyrotechnic display was indeed impressive. King
Seesar disappears again for the next few minutes (coward!), undoubtedly hiding behind a rock
again.
Enraged, Godzilla makes to charge but MechaG whips up his right hand and fires four more missiles
at him. Despite the range being like a hundred feet, all four miss and hit the ground. The
concussion, however, knocks Godzilla off his feet again (for like the millionth time). On his way
down, he lets off a quick Atomic Fire Breath that connects with MechaGodzilla's throat (again with
the throat shots!), knocking the big robot back on its heels.
Both fighters bounce back up again quickly. MechaGodzilla then activates a nifty force field
around him. This is accomplished by spinning his head around rapidly (!). Since the field is a hazy
blue, perhaps it's formed by some use of the similarly-colored maser beams from its eyes. The
field is inpenetratible to Godzilla's Atomic Fire Breath (as he tries one to be sure) and physical
attacks as well (as Godzilla tries to punch through and gets knocked on his butt again for his
efforts). MechaGodzilla then turns off the force field and we never see it again. One wonders
why such a powerful defensive screen is not used more. Perhaps it takes up too much power, or
also keeps the robot from engaging in offensive actions of its own?
MechaGodzilla now unleashes a hellstorm of firepower against his two opponents. King Seesar has
now reappeared and is beside Godzilla for the next few scenes of abuse at the hands of
MechaGodzilla. The robot fires everything it has at them as they present a combined target
(stupid tactics). Attack beams from his chest, maser beams from his eyes, and missiles from both
hands and feet all are used together. After watching this sequence many times it's clear that they
reused much of the footage, even putting some shots in a loop several times. Assuming, however,
that they want us to believe that all the action was live, then I counted at least nineteen (!!!) missile
salvo firings for an estimated total of at least sixty (!!!) missiles fired in this one attack. Again,
where do these reloads come from.
Under the onslaught, the two monsters stumble around and fall over each other as the ground
erupts in repeated explosions and the air is thick with energy beams and missiles. Despite all the
firepower, careful watching shows that King Seesar doesn't take any direst hits and Godzilla only
takes two, both maser beam hits to the chest. Therefore it's no surprise that at the end of the
onslaught, both King Seesar and Godzilla are still on their feet and seemingly intact. This robot
can't hit a barn.
MechaGodzilla then takes to the air again, and this time his aim is better. It seems odd that he can
score hits while airborne (and presumably less stable) than when firmly planted on the ground.
Four maser beams from the eyes in a row hit Godzilla on the same spot on the right side of his
throat (again with the throat!). Real blood (!!!) begins to spurt out of Godzilla's neck like I'm
watching Kill Bill and the big lizard falls to the ground. I'm assuming that MechaGodzilla
found a weak spot and deliberately targeted the same spot, though it needs to be explained why
before he couldn't hit the ocean with a rock.
MechaGodzilla now loops around and fires off another double volley of hand missiles at the prone
Godzilla. Six of the missiles "stick" on Godzilla's hide and hang there like acupuncture needles.
Godzilla (no longer bleeding now) gets to his feet and somehow becomes a "magnet", flexing with a
electric blue squiggly effect and causing the missiles to fall off of him (????). This is as hard to
describe as it was to watch. I guess the earlier scene where Godzilla "recharges" himself in the
lightning storm is supposed to tie in with this newfound magnetic ability, though not one word of
dialogue is offered to support this. Anyway, to show us he's all magnetic and stuff, we see two big
metal transformer towers moving slowly through the air to "stick" on Godzilla's chest. Would they
move that slowly, wouldn't momentum cause them to speed up the closer they came to the
magnetic force?
Oh, yeah, in the last scene we also get to see the size of MechaGodzilla's fingertip missiles as they
remain "stuck" on Godzilla's hide for a few seconds before he "repels" them with his magnetism.
Relative to the size of Godzilla, they appear to be around twenty-feet long and the thickness of the
warhead is almost the same as the bus of the missile. We wonder again (and again) where the
reloads for these missiles are kept within the body of MechaGodzilla. You'd think that 70% of his
internal volume is taken up with missile reloads by the size they are and the high rate of fire. And
we also wonder why they didn't explode when they hit him. The warheads must have direct-contact
fuses instead of proximity fuses, but the missiles did hit him so why no explosions? Maybe, though,
his newly-generated magnetic field stopped them inches from his skin, but you'd still think that the
force of the sudden stop against the "solid" magnetic field would trigger their warheads, right?
And we also why the missile motors were not firing anymore once they hit Godzilla, why would they
shut off?
With this last volley of missiles launched, a count of the number fired since this final battle began
is in order. Since many of the scenes are edited so frenetically and there's much reuse of footage,
a totally accurate account is impossible. We can say for certain, however, that at least 60 and
possibly as many as 90 missiles were fired. Where were all these reloads kept in MechaGodzilla's
body? Knowing roughly the size of the missiles there's clearly no way they could have been stored
internally. Oh, well, it's just a silly movie...
As MechaGodzilla attempts to fly off, Godzilla "reverses the polarity", effectively transforming
himself into a living magnet. To show the mental effort exerted, Godzilla's hand and body motions
mirror those of Luke Skywalker trying to lift his X-Wing out of the swamps of Dagobah using The
Force. But wait, The Empire Strikes Back was made in 1982, right? I think George Lucas
stole that bit from our Godzilla movie!!!!
We also wonder how Godzilla is able to seemingly control this magnetic force into a relatively
narrow beam so that only MechaGodzilla is effected. And I'm not a scientist, but I can imagine
that the actual magnetic force needed here to overcome the weight and opposing jet thruster
force of MechaGodzilla must be outrageously off the scale. And why doesn't MechaGodzilla try
shooting Godzilla to distract him?
Anyway, the magnetic tractor beam works and MechaGodzilla is forced to land at Godzilla's feet.
Once grounded, Godzilla grabs him from behind in a full-nelson hold. MechaGodzilla tries to take
off and manages to rise a short distance in the air with Godzilla holding on to him before crashing
back down. Those foot jets must be super powerful to lift the combined weights of the two
fighters even a short distance.
Seeing his chance while MechaGodzilla is so constrained, King Seesar makes a run for him. Nice of
you to show up now, dog boy! He pounds on MechaGodzilla's chest while Godzilla holds his arms
from behind, showing little sportsmanship, I must say. MechaGodzilla just takes the hits, even
though it seems he could be blasting away with his eye beams or something.
Godzilla then twists his head off (!!!). Yes! Hey, wait, wasn't the robot's head able to swivel
before? Why did it sound like it was bending and mangling metal to turn the head now? Anyway,
MechaGodzilla blows up in a big boom, the severed head falling into the ocean. Watch the scene
when the robot blows up, Godzilla is standing right next to him but you can plainly tell that it's just
the empty suit propped up next to the empty MechaGodzilla suit as the latter is rigged with pyros
to explode. It's a very obvious and cheap effect.
Meanwhile, back in the spacebase cave, the aliens are freaking out. Neo, now fully free, has taken
the two parts of Miyajima's special pipe. He creeps up on the distracted aliens and tosses the pipe
at the control station. Now, there are only three aliens in the control room, Mr. Sulu and two
flunkies. You'd think there would be more aliens here, especially since there are also three
prisoners in the room. When Neo makes his move, all three aliens pull their little pop guns. Neo
grabs one guy from behind, and in true James Bond fashion, uses the man's own gun to kill the
other flunky. Then Mr. Sulu shoots and kills the flunky that he's holding at the same time Neo
shoots Mr. Sulu, hitting him in the throat (again, again, again with the throat hits!). Mr. Sulu spurts
green blood (!!!) and expires.
With these last two kills, we can total up the final carnage numbers for Agent Nanbara, AKA Neo.
In this movie he has killed at total of seven confirmed alien spacemen, with another three injured
and very possibly killed. Truly, he's a one-man death squad worthy of this era of filmmaking. But
it's ok, because they are Evil Spacemen, see, so their deaths don't count.
The computers begin to spark and explode now. Our heroes dash out of the control room, as Neo
grabs the keys and unshackles them. Watch the extremely comical and unrealistic way in which he
"unlocks" the handcuffs as they run up the stairs, very funny. We see the base explode (killing
three aliens as they run in panic) in huge waves of flame and smoke. Tell me how the entire base
could self-destruct because some computer in the control room short circuited? Don't these
intergalactic aliens have surge protectors or fire suppression measures?
Our three heroes escape by the skin of their teeth, though the editing makes you wonder if they
got trapped in the firestorm. Saeko even worries about her father and Chandler says that he has
made a noble sacrifice, further making you think that they all died. Ah, but no, because at the very
end we see that all is well. Our cast of good guys and girls all smile and laugh as the statue of King
Seesar is put back in the alcove of Azumi Castle.
Oh, yeah, after the battle, King Seesar reseals himself in the rocks to await the next time he's
needed (which thankfully is never again in the Godzilla series) while Godzilla swims back out to sea
to await a sequel.
The End.
Bonus! Some handy statistics for you.
6: Number of cigarettes smoked by our cast.
Written in July 2004 by Nathan Decker.
Chandler.
Joey.
The Azumi Prophetess.
The Old Man.
Joey goes spelunking.
Saeko (damn!).
Charles Bronson!
Neo!
The ominous black cloud.
Doctor Wagura.
Professor Miyajima.
Eiko (yummy!).
"Yes, we respect your intelligence and
your education. Now go make us some sandwiches."
Rah!
Anguirus!
Height: 200 feet
Length: 328 feet
Weight: 33,000 tons
Weapons: Lots of spikes, pointy teeth, defensive lineman stance.
Height: 164 feet
Weight: 20,000 tons
Weapons: Atomic Fire Breath, whip-lash tail, attitude to match.
MechaGodzilla breaks his jaw!
1974 Nissan Skyline GT.
Nice brick.
Oh, that's NOT Godzilla.
Mister Sulu!
The control room for the aliens.
MechaGodzilla!
The green one shows the
cheese-factor level.
MechaGodzilla's eye beams.
Godzilla glowing blue!
Spooky ape-face!
The ship captain (Kenji Sahara!).
The sauna of death.
The door to the base.
Eiko and Saeko.
Tamura, there on the left.
King Seesar peaking out.
Microphone?
The princess sings!
King Seesar!
Height: 50 meters (164 feet)
Weight: 33,000 tons
Weapons: Energy reflection eyes, sharp pointy claws, fleas.
Height: 50 meters (164 feet)
Weight: 44,000 tons
Weapons:
Energy beams, missiles, yada yada...
King Seesar is out of his league.
He needs some help!
Godzilla on the attack.
Fight!
Furious action!
Towers sticking to Godzilla.
The hand-missiles.
Godzilla using the Force.
Godzilla about to end this fight.
The statue.
2: Number of cigars smoked by Mister Sulu.
1: Number of annoying songs sung by annoying girls.