Bad Movies

Bad Actors

Bad Plots

Bad Cats

Thankfully, the descent is broken up into "stages" of a sort, each begun with a shot of the depth meter showing their progress.

Stage 1:

The first stage is from the surface is marked by them walking along in front of the Cyclotram, picking the best route for the machine to follow. The spotlight on the machine backlights the team in an eerie way, casting long shadows on the walls in an effectively filmed scene. They soon reach a wide spot where, embedded in the ground, is an etched stone plaque. It records a short message from the "Engstrand Geological Expedition" team that went down this far in 1938. The message says "Good luck to anyone dumb enough to continue on further". Well, I guess this explains how they had such a good map of the lava tubes. But strangely, they seem a bit surprised to see the plaque, as if they were totally unaware of the 1938 expedition. If this is true, then it shows another horrendous lack of planning on our team's part.


They should have known about this.

They then look up to see some nearby burning lava! Morley says it's lava leaking over from an active volcano in the chain. I suppose, but I'd think that all that flame and burning stuff would both pollute the air in the tubes with noxious fumes and suck the oxygen out of them as well.

Anyway, they decide to take a shortcut through the rock wall to avoid the lava. They set an explosive charge on the "point of least resistance" and make it go boom. Hmmm...was that wise? Setting off a bomb in a cave is rarely a good thing (though my working knowledge of mining comes from the Discovery Channel and the movie The Cave). Didn't they fear a possible collapse of the roof or the floor, trapping them there for an eternity? But it works, and the Cyclotram revs up its nose drill, which spins at slower rpms than you would think sufficient for the task. Drilling through the rock with relative ease, the machine cuts through to another open passageway and the team disembarks to check it out. Unsure of the air quality in this new passage, they all wear gas masks. After a bit of walking, Morley takes off his mask, breathes deeply, and proclaims, "The air is clear! You can take off your masks." (!) Hmm...sure hope there are no odorless gasses in there, or maybe some fungus spores or something else deadly. Dumbass scientists. [Editor Pam: Even in 1951 he should have known better than to remove his mask and take a deep breath in an unknown atmosphere. I guess he's such a brilliant scientist he could tell just by looking that the air was safe.]


Rumble rumble.


Stage 2:

At 100 miles down, they stop for a break. They discuss the overall feeling of claustrophobia and apprehension that's affecting them all. While they debate what to do next, Thompson gets in a war of words with soil conservation scientist Paxton, who is a bit on the testy side lately (perhaps due to his screamingly bad hair piece and fake Brooklyn accent). Paxton storms out of the Cyclotram after accusing the rest of them of not being “good scientists” because they're being swayed by Thompson's constant bickering and whining. Metallurgical engineer Coleman, out of friendship or loyalty, goes to follow Paxton. They will scout the route to follow for a while. These two guys are the “expendable” members of the team, here for no other reason than to provide a bit of expository dialogue and to die horrible deaths to show us how dangerous the journey is. Coleman especially needs to die soon, the meatloaf playing him is one of the worst actors I've ever seen, butchering his lines so painfully that you feel sorry for the other actors in his scenes.


Coleman and Andy with the lady.

After they have been gone a bit, a sensor in the Cyclotram suddenly registers the presence of a "toxic gas"! They all hasten to put on their gas masks. Hmm...so their hi-tech machine is not NBC protected? This seems like very poor design, I would think that they would want to be prepared for any hazard they might encounter. Anyway, they then realize that Coleman and Paxton are out on foot and without their gas masks. They rush out to find the two men quite dead, crumpled on the floor of the tube. These two dudes were our least fleshed out characters, so their deaths mean absolutely nothing to us. There's some subdued grieving, the men are buried under rocks, but still they continue on down. We're now down to five: Inept Morley and hot Joan, annoying Thompson, and Bauer and Andy.

I might as well do Andy and Bauer here, as they're the only two I haven't yet talked about. Explosives expert Andy Ostergaard is played by 40-year old Jim Bannon, who had a nice long career in movies and television, though nothing really notable other than some westerns. In this movie he's a "sandhog" and a USMC veteran from WWII. He's a big burly guy, who faintly looks like Ben Affleck in the face (I won‘t hold that against him, even after I laid down six bucks to see Gigli...).


Andy Ostergaard (maybe, I'm not going to go back and check now).

Geologist Max A. Bauer is played by 50-year old Otto Waldis, who looks startlingly like Ian Holm from The Lord of the Rings, only with an exaggerated German accent. Waldis worked steadily in movies and television after WWII, often typecast as a Germanic character. Notable among his 47 movie roles were an uncredited bit in Fritz Lange's masterpiece M and as Doctor von Loeb from 1958's Attack of the 50-foot Woman. Here he's a physicist who fled the University of Munich in 1933 to avoid Hitler. Is he supposed to be Jewish? [Editor Pam: Probably, although I guess he could have been politically opposed to the Nazis instead of Jewish. Since anti-Semitism was still pretty prevalent in the United States in 1951, the filmmakers might not have wanted to identify him as Jewish.]


Max Bauer.


Stage 3:

At 240 miles down, another disaster strikes. Joan goes to get a cup of water and discovers that their water condenser was polluted by the toxic gas from the last stage! Now they have nothing to drink! Hmmm...the gas incident was 140 miles ago, and at the slow creeping speed they're going, that must have taken days and days to traverse. You mean to tell us that no one needed a drink of water before Joan did just now? They blame Thompson, who admits to maybe possibly leaving the air vent open on the condenser way way back before Coleman and Paxton died. Bad editing. And bad vehicle design, they have no back up water supply? You'd think that something as vital as the water condenser would have some sort of better filter or even a back-up free-feed reservoir. Dumbass scientists.


What, no alarms?

So they now all get out and wander around looking for water. This consists of kicking rocks around and peering over ledges, so it's no surprise that they strike out. Joan pulls out a canteen, containing the "last of their water" and they share it. Andy and Thompson have another fight over their raging egos here, but their squabble is forgotten when they hear “running water behind a wall of rock" nearby.

Andy brings two sledgehammers from the Cyclotram and he and Thompson hammer away at the rock wall. A strange sort of camaraderie develops in this scene between these two adversaries, though perhaps they're just both trying to act studly in front of the comely Joan. Before too long they break through the suspiciously thin rock wall and are driven back by what I assume is released "water vapor" or something. They all run back to the Cyclotram and close the hatch. Outside, the vapor fills the entire cavern before the temperature begins to drop again. Condensation forms on the sides of the Cyclotram, which our team slurps down with abandon. They even run out and start licking water from rocks and stalactites! Gross! Who knows what's in that water, surely it's not as pure as they think. Indeed, Joan gets light-headed from this water, probably from all the heavy metals in it, and nearly passes out. Where did these scientists go to college again?


Thirst can make you nuts.

While Joan is down, the four men debate whether or not to go back up or go on down. They vote, and it's split two-two. Joan then revives miraculously from her stupor and casts her vote to continue. And so they keep on descending.

Also here we get our first signs of Joan and Thompson falling in love (which we all saw coming from the first act). He hurt his arm swinging the hammer and she bandages it up in the Cyclotram's small sickbay, providing him opportunity to woo her away from the rest of the team. What could she possibly see in this arrogant man, who on several occasions has nearly got them all killed, is beyond me. If anyone, she should be going for square-jawed ex-Marine Andy, who seems a much better match for her tastes and interests.

Stage 4:

By 850 miles down, we now see that Joan and Thompson are openly in love! The rest of the crew has to notice this, but they don't say anything (perhaps out of disgust). [Editor Pam: Or maybe they're glad she's keeping him busy. He's a jerk, after all.] In this scene, we see Thompson follow Joan into the sickbay and close the door. He gives her his good luck ring and she puts it on her ring finger! When she asks him why he gave it to her, he says "Haven't you ever been romanced before?", to which she replies "Not 900 miles below sea level". Thompson then says smoothly "If there were any flowers down here, I'd pick them and give them to you." Kill me, just fucking kill me. They almost kiss here as Joan gazes lovingly up into his face and purrs in what passed for sensuality in 1951. What the hell? So much for being an "ardent feminist". [Editor Pam: It was a cliché in 1950s movies for the “feminist” to fall madly in love with some hunk and immediately decide that she wasn't interested in a career anymore, all she wanted to do was stay home and have babies. In all fairness to Joan, real women who were working in the 1950s have told me they faced a lot of open prejudice back then, especially if they were working at jobs traditionally considered men's jobs. And a mother of young children who worked just because she wanted to was considered heartless. I don't see how Joan could fall for such corny lines, but I can't blame her too much for wanting to make her life easier and thinking marriage would do that. It really sucked to be a woman in the 1950s.]


Oh come on, woman! Where is your pride? Do you know how many other girls he's given that ring to? It's probably fake, anyway.


Stage 5:

At 960 miles, Thompson reverts to his old form and starts bitching about how long it's taking and the bumpy ride (what did he expect?). He and Andy start fighting again, calling each other "a sandhog who likes to go rooting in the ground!" and "a mountain goat with his head in the clouds!". Ah, the 1950s, no cussing in movies, such tame banter. This constant bickering between these two men is getting annoying. And old man Morley, supposedly the team leader, has done nothing to stop the constant infighting.

The Cyclotram is now drilling through another wall of rock, when suddenly they break into water! Sucked through the hole by the pressure, the entire Cyclotram bobs to the surface of a large underground lake. Wow, good thing it's amphibious, eh? They make it to shore and get out to explore a bit. While scenically impressive, the lake cavern offers virtually nothing appealing. The water has a high calcium content but is drinkable, solving any water problems they had.

Andy catches a large fish (!!!) with a line, but the creature is eyeless and most certainly inedible. Hmmm...would there really be a fish that big down this far? And if it was that big, then there must be a thriving ecosystem in the lake to allow it to grow to that size. This makes no sense at all. Clearly, this lake cavern is not what they're looking for. They debate some more, and then decide to continue on.


Rah, I'm a blind fish!


Stage 6:

Some time and distance later, the Cyclotram now comes to two branching passageways. Dialogue seems to suggest that this is the first time this has happened, forcing us to believe that so far they have been following the same winding lava tube from the volcano caldera, with no crossing tunnels to pick from. Andy and Thompson go off down opposite passageways to scout the best way. Very soon, however, Thompson loses his footing and slides halfway down a cliff face. Dangling there precariously, he calls out to Andy, who comes running. Andy ties a rope around a rock and rappels down to save Thompson. On the way back up, however, the rope is cut by rubbing on a sharp rock and Andy falls to his inglorious death. Hmm...that rope looked like a simple unsheathed braided rope, not a static line for rappelling which would have had a sheath over the kern to resist rock abrasion like that. Stupid scientists. Thompson is emotionally distraught, more so than you would expect out of his character, and stumbles back to the Cyclotram. We're now down to just four left: Morley, Bauer, Joan and Thompson.


Somebody call a lawyer.


Stage 7:

Days later, we see that Thompson has been profoundly changed by Andy's sacrifice and his own second chance at life. From here on out, he will be a helpful and positive member of the team and Joan will only gush and goo over him more (kill me with a chainsaw). The team stops for a debate again, and this time both Morley and Bauer vote to return to the surface. It's Thompson who demands that they continue on to find the "promised land". Joan gets no vote, apparently, as she has now be reduced to just gazing lovingly at Thompson the entire scene. [Editor Pam: Arguing with one's romantic interest was strictly forbidden to women in the 1950s. The little woman was supposed to be completely supportive.] Then Thompson takes the wheel of the Cyclotram (I assume he got some training somewhere along the line) and they head off. We're supposed to feel some emotion from Thompson's transformation from selfish playboy to responsible concerned citizen, but because he has been such an incredible bastard the entire movie, the sudden change just seems forced and contrived.

Stage 8:

And now, at 1,640 miles deep, they finally succeed in finding their fabled safe harbor. They squeeze the machine through a rocky passageway and emerge into...the Genesis Project from Star Trek II! No, but close. Actually they come to a truly massive cavern, complete with a huge underground ocean, that looks to be the size of Texas. There's no life here, but the ground is fertile from "volcanic ash" (underground volcanoes?) and the water is potable. All the scenes of this cavern were filmed outdoors in the Hollywood Hills, so to explain the sunlight and clouds, they say that the ceiling is covered in a "phosphorescent" substance that shines very brightly (sure...) and that "water vapor forms the clouds". We're never given better explanations and that's probably just as well, hard to penalize them for a small budget.


Ooooh, impressive matte painting.

After all the hardships and death they have endured, the team is clearly happy to have found their fabled underground haven. It looks as if humanity might survive an atomic war afterall. Joan calls this wondrous cavern "a dream after a terrible nightmare", which is how I felt when the film finally ended and I turned on Desperate Housewives (seriously, is there a woman hotter than Eva on this planet?). [Editor Pam: Some humanity might survive, but how many people can you bring down here in that Cyclotram? Even if you build more, it's slow going down to the cavern. I think the only thing they can do is try to save enough people to have a reasonable breeding stock. Most of us are doomed.]


Funny, Thompson, real funny.

They explore the cavern in a montage of shots, showing us a mix of bad matte paintings and numerous (though mercifully quick) stock footage clips of everything from the Rockies, to the Sahara desert, to what is obviously Niagara Falls. Thompson is concerned about the lack of true sunlight, but Morley just says that "science can adjust that" (What?) We even see a fossil! This is a "400 million-year old lungfish", shown in really lame plaster-of-Paris and spraypaint on a rock wall.


Nice, Jack Horner is dying right now.

Joan sets up a rabbit hutch for her bunnies (oh, yeah, she brought some bunnies along for scientific research) to have babies. Soon, the fateful day comes when Joan's bunnies are to give birth to their first litter. Everyone is giddy with excitement, as this will prove that this cavern is the sanctuary they were looking for. But alas, all the baby rabbits are born dead! They do some research and determine that any living thing born here is "sterile". Thompson intones bitterly that this is "a haven for the dead."


That last line of Joan's journal says it all.

After some thought, Thompson, Joan and Bauer now say that they want to go back to the surface and try and change the world. Now that they know that only one generation could survive down here after a war, they're determined to work to see that such a war never happens. Morley, however, is despondent. He raves that he's staying here, that he has found his haven, even if it's not suitable for the survival of the species.

Ok, I don't understand. How is a litter of dead bunnies an indication of the sterility of the cavern? The litter, the first generation, died en utero, which might be blamed on the stress of the journey or the changing air or something. You can't say that the bunnies are truly sterile until you can prove that they can't conceive in the environment of the cavern and then produce viable offspring. They never go this far, instead just assume that nothing can live down here. This after they made a big deal about how fertile the volcanic soil was, how good the water was, and how science can solve the problems of light and heat. And what about the fish in the underground lakes and oceans, surely they prove that not everything is sterile down here, right? I think they give up too easily, especially considering all they have gone through to get here. The true test would be having Joan knock boots with one of the men and see if she can give birth down here. But, alas, this being 1951, that's not going to happen. [Editor Pam: Ugh, who was she going to do it with? Slimy Thompson, snaggle-toothed Morley, or elderly Bauer? None of them are at all appealing!]

And for another thing, so what if only "one generation could huddle down here" after the bombs fall? This shows a dangerous misunderstanding of the radiological after-effects of a nuclear war, still a mystery in the early days of the atomic bomb. Even ten or fifteen years would be long enough for much of the residual radiation to fall to levels where the surface could start to be reclaimed. I would think that many (most, all) people would gladly take that chance if it meant preserving at least a part of the human race. Send 10,000 people down here to huddle, and after fifteen years go back up and start repopulating the surface, right?


"Hey, let's introduce carbon smoke to this pristine environment!"

Anyway, all this is speculation is pointless because suddenly a scratch-on-the-negative lightning bolt lances into the top of a stock footage ice glacier and causes a stock footage avalanche! Several stock footage volcanoes begin spontaneously erupting, spreading stock footage lava flows, and a massive stock footage storm appears over the ocean sweeping towards shore. Why all this happens now is not explained, and we can only assume that "it's in the script". [Editor Pam: Possibly it's the universe's way of punishing Morley, as it all happens the instant he says he wants to stay underground instead of facing another war on the surface.]

Suddenly caught in this perfect storm, our four people watch a glaringly obvious backscreen projection of an approaching tsunami and run for the Cyclotram. Morley stays behind, he's not going to go back now, regardless of his certain death. As the flood waters rush at him, he stands there resolutely and is swamped away. To his credit, he refrains from giving some last preachy speech about the folly of man, he just stands there mute and dies.

The Cyclotram is picked up and washed out into the underground ocean. A "strange force" (that's never explained) pulls them down under the surface, down well past 2,500 miles where their depth meter pegs. The cavern was said to be at around 1,600 miles down, so we're to believe that there's a body of water within the mantle of the Earth that extends down for at least another 900 miles? Wow, a 900 mile drop in water, I sure hope the hull of the Cyclotram is made of some serious titanium or they're going to be crushed by the pressure change. Forget that, no metal native to this planet could survive that great a pressure change. Inside, the three survivors are saddened and dejected. Joan moans that it was dumb to even attempt this trip because "We can't bury ourselves in the Earth and expect to live." (see above argument)


They need a bigger gauge.

Then, just as it looks hopeless, for no apparent reason, the Cyclotram begins to rise. The depth meter goes up and up and then passes the level of the underground sea! Clearly they're now in some sort of "channel that leads to the surface ocean". Wow, I sure hope they have some sort of decompression facilities, because they're about to ascend 2,500 miles in water in what seems like just a few minutes.

They pop to the surface and throw open the hatch. Outside they see a tropical island (really stock footage of Pismo Beach in California) teeming with birds and sea turtles. Bauer says happily "the universe is still in harmony". Thompson says "I feel like I'll live forever" and he and Joan hug as the movie dims to a close. [Editor Pam: I was hoping they'd come up in China. And why are they so cheerful, weren't they terrified of nuclear war not too long ago? I guess the movie is trying to point out the moral that red-blooded Americans face their problems, they don't run away from them.]


Ah, the end, finally.


Hmm...you know, I was very very surprised that old Doctor Bauer, who was never really more than a background character with very few lines of dialogue and virtually no critical scenes, survived this movie. Usually in these sort of films, the only people who survive such an adventure are the hero and his girl. That this short balding portly German geologist still breathes at film's end just might be the most positive thing I can say about Unknown World. Really.

[Editor Pam: There's a lot of rock in this movie. A LOT. Geologists might want to watch it for that alone. For the rest of us, this might have been a halfway decent movie if somebody had taken enough time to put together a reasonable story instead of shoving in standard plot devices as needed. And if the actors had been better. And if almost all of the science hadn't been made up as they went along.]

Bonus! A few statistics for you...

3: Number of physical confrontations between Andy and Thompson.
2: Number of cigarettes smoked by our cast.
0: Number of firearms seen in this movie, extremely rare for the type of movies I normally review.

Written in May 2005 by Nathan Decker and edited by Pam Burda.










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