Taking a bit of a left turn, today I'll be reviewing a nearly-forgotten, impossible-to-find Taiwanese kung fu movie. Like most of these mass-produced sandal-and-pajama karate flicks, it features non-descript cardboard characters hitting each other, wet paper-thin plots, a limited number of basic open-front building sets, folksy traditional music scores, and atrocious English dubbing provided by Australians and Kiwis who were just reading off a script and not watching the movie at the same time (it makes a difference, trust me!). But still, like most of these films, we are treated to a few impressive kung fu fights, featuring multiple combatants, crazy stunts, blood-like catsup flying everywhere, old men and little girls fighting like ninjas, and a satisfying end where justice is served and the Hero gets the girl. Not a bad way to spend a Saturday night, I say.

On to it!

Infernal Street is set in contemporary Taiwan, in some gritty urban area. First let's meet the Doctor, a really great guy who gives out free medical treatment and is loved by one and all (for now). He looks a lot like Takashi Shimura from all those Toho kaiju movies, but he isn't (sadly).

The Doctor, so distinguished!
The Doctor has two 20ish kids that he has raised. One is his fine, upstanding daughter and the other is some slacker boy that he adopted who has anger issues and problems with authority. Both, of course, are kung fu experts (often called "boxing" here). This movie features the kind of kung fu where everyone flies through the air, can jump fifteen feet straight up, and no one has any respect for the laws of gravity. [Editor Pam: I've always wondered which school of martial arts teaches these moves.] As well, it's clear that everyone's arms and legs are made of lacquered red maple, if the "thwacking" sound we hear every time someone hits someone is any indication.

The boy, who will be our Hero (called thusly from here out).

The girl, now the Heroine.
The Doctor and his staff run a small clinic in a dodgy part of the (unnamed) city (little more than a storefront with some tables and chairs). The clinic has been seeing a massive upswing in the number of drug addicts that have come stumbling through their doors in the last six months. Opium and morphine are the drugs mentioned, and they cause the addicts to lounge about and yawn a lot (when they're not twitching and begging for shots).

Addicts slumming about, get a job.
The rise in drug use in the area has corresponded to the opening of a "club" nearby. Off to that club now, which is really just a combination seedy whorehouse, gambling den, and drug shooting gallery. It's owned by ex-pat Japanese, but with local toadies running the daily business. While this is said to be a huge building, by the end of the movie we get to see only one room, redressed several times, and it may even be the same set as the clinic, just with different furniture. I should note that the costumes throughout are great, simple one-color cotton pajamas for the men, with multi-patterned two-piece outfits for the girls, all very traditional Taiwanese fashions. Hairstyles are generally greasy for the men and long and braided for the ladies. White socks and sandals or deck slippers round out the look.

Mah-Jong?
Let's now meet the Japanese owner of the club, called only the "Chairman" (how the hell do I get a cool nickname?). For the first two acts, we never see his face or hear him speak other than just grunts, so he remains a mystery. He's portrayed as the single most evil, vile, violent, uncaring, uncouth man in the universe, but not because he's a drug kingpin/pimp/crime lord, but almost solely because he's a Japanese man in Taiwan (and a wealthy Japanese man at that, one who wears Western suits and leather shoes).

The Chairman‘s crotch, all we see of him for now.
If all the low-budget quickly-made kung fu movies I've watched over the years tell me anything, it's that the Taiwanese HATE the Japanese, just hate them, hate them, hate them! Maybe it's the memories of the occupation in the 30s and 40s, when the island was called Formosa, maybe it's the economic competition between these two post-war powerhouses, maybe it's because Japanese noodles are tastier or that Toyota makes better cars. [Editor Pam: It's my understanding that the Chinese hate the Japanese as much as the Poles hate the Germans, and for the same reasons.] Who knows, but this cultural/nationalistic hatred is often played out in crappy kung fu movies. Don't expect Japan to come running when China rolls Taiwan, I'll tell you that.

Ten minutes on google gives us the tale of the tape...

Tallest building?
Taiwan: Taipei 101 Tower 1,670 feet
Japan: Tokyo Tower 1,091 feet
Winner? Taiwan, though Dubai mocks them both.

Percent of GDP spent on Olympic teams?
Taiwan 0.008%
Japan 0.002%
Winner? Taiwan, don't mess with their ping pong team.

Infant mortality rates?
Taiwan: 5.45 per 1,000 live births
Japan: 2.8 per 1,000
Winner? Japan.
Loser? America, criminally high at 6.26 per 1,000.

Life expectancy of women from birth? Taiwan: 80.74 years
Japan: 85.59 years
Winner? Both, actually, that's amazing.

Number of cities nuked?
Taiwan: 0
Japan: 2
Winner? Duh.

Number of times Godzilla has ravaged them?
Taiwan: 0
Japan: 32
Winner? Well, you'd initially think Taiwan, but without Godzilla, Japan would never have cause to develop Mogera, by far the world's coolest robot ever.

Who has the prettiest girls?
Taiwan: Exhibit A
Japan: Exhibit B
Winner? Me! And the Indiana state criminal court system...

Overall winner? Neither! I'd say that all available data clearly supports Burkino Faso's case as the best nation on Earth. This is not open to debate.

Anyways, enough of that, we have a movie to finish. The Doctor decides to give pro-bono medical help to the addicts, out of the kindness of his heart, and posts signs to that effect around the neighborhood. The club owners see this as a direct threat to their business (it is) and resolve to "handle it". First the Boss (a local guy) sends a lackey in to investigate, posing as an addict. Watch as the Doctor determines if he's really an addict just by checking his pulse on his wrist for three seconds (his time in med school was well spent!). The Boss then comes in with more goons and claims the Doctor is a quack for not treating the faker.

Written sign (anybody read Mandarin?).

The Hero, who is here in the clinic, has had enough of this foolishness and steps up, smacking them around a bit before being called back by the Doctor. After the Boss admits he's with the Japanese club, he gets down to the business of extortion. He says he will "protect the Doctor's reputation" for a price, as well as making sure the clinic stays open for an additional fee, which is the textbook definition of a protection racket. The Doctor pays up, he knows he has little choice. In the background, the Hero is boiling with impotent rage.

The Boss gives him an offer he can't refuse.
Do we need a flashback scene to help us understand the Hero's inner turmoil and pain? Oh yes! As a young boy, the Hero's dad was an addict and he died in front of him (emotional trauma!), a half-minute later his grieving mom may have smashed her head on a wall to commit suicide (double emotional trauma!). The young boy was then taken in by the Doctor and raised, if not as his own son, at least under his watchful eye. So, fifteen years or so later, the Hero has a strong hatred for drugs and a soft spot for those who wish to help the needy.

Flashback (a lot of the really gory stuff has been cut out of my print).