Million Monkey Theater
Hercules and the Princess of Troy (1965)
Today, I will be reviewing the 1965 Italian sword and sandal movie
Hercules and the Princess of Troy. This is the shortest movie
I've reviewed yet, clocking in at a mere 47 minutes. It's so short
because it was the pilot for a possible television series that wasn't
picked up. The public's tastes in Italy were turning at this time towards
spaghetti westerns and space operas, and the sword and sandal days
were over.
And now on to our show...
We open at the classic city of Troy, in northwestern Turkey. I'm going
to explain some stuff here that we don't learn until later, but you should
know it now. It seems that for the past two years a mysterious and
deadly "sea monster" has been menacing the city, a water demon sent
here by the Gods for some perceived hubris on the part of the Trojans.
The only way to placate the beast, and to keep it in the water and not
smashing through the streets of Troy, is to sacrifice a nubile young
virgin to it. This must be done once a month without exception.
The way to pick the hapless victim is also left up to the Gods of fate.
All virgin maidens of a certain age are led down to the beach at the
appointed time each month. They are given doves, which when released
will fly off. One dove, however, will die in midflight and crash into the
sea, a clear sign that that girl is the next sacrificial lamb. The girl is
then rowed out to this rocky outcropping offshore and chained down, to
await the sea monster.
The Trojan way is to allow one male to volunteer to go out on the rock
with the maiden to attempt to kill the beast and save the girl. So far,
all 24 men have failed and all 24 girls have met their crunchy bloody end.
Still, it has worked and the monster has stayed away from the city
proper, so the system has become a part of daily life in Troy.
Not going to end well for her...
Ok, we see that the waters off Troy are also prowled by vicious pirates.
Traffic in the area runs the risk of being stopped and their crew and
passengers impressed as rowers or sold as slaves on the mainland.
Today we join a pirate galley as it returns from a raid, its hold full of
captured women and the oars pulled by chained men.
But this day another ship is sailing this coast! A single-sail single-row
galley comes over the horizon aiming for the pirate, clearly looking for
battle. In this boat is the legendary demigod Hercules and his band of
merry men. The big "H" on the sail and on the prow are a dead giveaway.
Actually a pretty effective shot, maybe the best in the
whole movie.
Our Hercules is played by 38-year old American-born beefstake Gordon Scott, former bodybuilder and fairly successful action hero. He also strutted his overtly manly stuff in a number of American and Italian epics as Tarzan, Goliath, Samson, Zorro, and even freakin' Julius Ceaser. He's a big, ripped meatstick with a porn star loincloth and Exxon Valdez-levels of gel in his hair.
Hercules!
His two main companions are the young gay-lover Ulysses and the Artemis Gordon-esque scientist/inventor Diogenes.
Ulysses is played by 25-year old Venezuelan-born Mart Hulswit. Thin, boyish and quite feminine, our Ulysses would make Homer stab himself in the eye.
Ulysses!
Diogenes is played by 44-year old American-born Paul Stevens. He's a scrawny, graying
old man who is prone to not-funny quips and grouchy complaining, kind of
like Bones on Star Trek, though without the phasers.
Diogenes!
There are also about two dozen other assorted sailors, marines, rowers
and such onboard, all in loyal service to Hercules. It's these men who do
the dirty work here, pumping the oars to catch up to the pirate and then
boarding her with pikes and swords. Hercules also jumps across and
does some damage with his super-strength and skill. In short order, the
pirate ship is in their hands and six pirates are dead. The ship is set
ablaze and the pirates either condemned to the sea or take aboard as
slaves.
Dangerous Waters, 800 BC version...
So now they have a ship full of civilians to deal with. Down belowdecks,
the survivors explain the whole monster/virgin/Troy thing to Hercules,
and insist that they can't go back to Troy now as they are considered
traitors for violating the laws and leaving. It seems that if you have a
virgin daughter in your family, it's the law that you stick around and give
her the chance to get eaten by the monster. Great way to keep the
populace happy.
So, Hercules decides to go to Troy anyway, against the wishes of the
people he rescued. Why he does this is unclear, and seems very
un-Hercules like. We later learn that these people will still be punished
for breaking the laws, the penalties for that are hinted at very severe,
maybe even death. This is just sort of blown off by Hercules, but we
must wonder what happened to the people he just condemned to
punishment by bringing them back.
Landing in Troy, Hercules is greeted as the legendary hero he indeed is.
The city rejoices, as they are hoping that Hercules can kill the monster
and save the city. They are taken to see King Petra, Troy's currently
ruler.
The King is played by fiftysomething Steve Garrett, star of...well,
nothing, he's only had two other movie roles save this one, and his bit
parts were as "soldier" and "clerk". He looks and acts like Graham
Chapman from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, right down to the
beard and walk.
King Petra!
King
Arthur!
But the King's reign is coming to an end soon. In two months there will
be a peaceful power transfer to the young Princess Diana, the King's
niece. Why this transfer is going to happen is never stated, but it's
apparently one of those "will of the Gods" things.
The Princess is played by 29-year old American-born Diana Hyland.
The Princess is not very attractive, sadly, and her outfits do
nothing to improve on this. Hyland was banging Vinnie Barbarino for a while, however, which gives her cool
points.
Princess
Diana!
Ok, there's this pointless bit here about the twin immortal horses that
the Goddess Minerva gave to the city of Troy. Sure, whatever.
Back to the sea monster. Hercules believes he has an advantage
because, contrary to popular thought, one man has faced the monster
and lived. This is Ortag, a brave Trojan soldier who some time ago went
out to defend a maiden and was thought lost. He was, in fact, washed
out to sea badly wounded and picked up by Hercules' ship. Ortag's
first-hand experience with the beast is vital, especially his clue about
the unarmored stomach, the proverbial soft underbelly.
Brave Ortag, looking like an extra from Star
Trek.
Now Hercules has also volunteered to train the Trojan Boxing Team for
the upcoming Olympic games (really!). We go to a sparing match, where
Hercules and a big brute are boxing. We see the brute sneak some sort
of foreign substance onto his hand wraps! Hercules (oblivious to this)
keeps boxing and smacks the brute to the ground, and the man falls with
his own hand behind his back (thus poisoning himself). The man dies
quickly and all gather around in shock. It's Hercules who finds the
poison, though he writes it off to just this low-grade boxer trying to
make a name for himself in history by killing Hercules with one punch.
My hair alone should win an Oscar...
Back aboard their ship, Diogenes has been working on a potion that will react with water to make fire. He hopes
to use this to force the sea monster up on the shore where they can kill it more easily. We learn here that time is
short, tomorrow is the day of choosing of the sacrifice.
So, instead of practicing how to kill the monster, Hercules and Ulysses take a nice Sunday ride on their immortal
horses, galloping off together through the woods looking for a nice quiet
spot for some intracural relations in the classical Greek way. They
make their way to the grotto of Minerva to give the horses a drink.
Deep in the wide cavern, suspiciously lit from artfully-placed colored
lights and with a nice flat floor.
Suddenly they are attacked by a band of thieves! Ulysses downs one
with an arrow, but the rest corner them and a big nasty fight looms.
Hercules pushes down a big stone column in a huge pile of dust and rocky
debris, giving them time to remount and ride out of the grotto to safety.
Herc and Ulysses, mounted...
Back in the city, they talk to Diogenes, who is not exactly sure that
those were thieves and not the King's soldiers disguised as thieves.
Diogenes is suspicious of the King's motivations, especially as he has
recently uncovered some damning evidence regarding the death of the
old king (the current king's brother and Diana's father). The story was
the old king died in a hunting accident, but Diogenes has a witness who
claims that something fishy happened. All of this gets Hercules
thinking about things and he begins to wonder why the King would try
and kill him so bad.
The next day, Hercules goes to warn Princess Diana about his worries. The princess can't believe it, the King has
always been so nice to her, and Hercules has no real proof. They don't squabble, but they don't leave seeing
eye-to-eye either.
The choosing ceremony is held soon, and to everyone's surprise and concern, the princess is picked! It seems that
even she is not immune to the process, which is very democratic, I'd say. Hercules suspects some sort of
trickery and afterwards goes to question the priest that handed her the dove, but finds him dead (!).
Now he really wants a piece of King Petra and goes to confront him. Hercules still doesn't have any hard proof,
and the King knows it. This is a quality character moment for these two actors and the scene is well-done.
Hercules goes back to the princess (who is understandably distraught) and promises her that he will be there
tomorrow to fight the beast for her. The princess has a beau, a strapping lad named Leander, who offers to
accompany Hercules and help.
Leander!
That night, however, Hercules is captured by some Trojan soldiers! He's tossed down into a deep well, with slick
metal walls (just like a steel culvert purchased from a construction company and buried in the sand and covered
with a Styrofoam rocky cap...). The soldiers abandon him down here and go off.
Seriously, those Bronze Age craftsmen were awesome.
So the morning comes and Diana is ready to go to her doom. Hercules is
absent, much to the quiet pleasure of the King and the considerable
consternation of Diana and her man Leander. Still, the show must go on,
the Gods decree it.
Diana and Leander on the rock.
Down at the beach, Hercules' men are assembling for the coming action. The plan is for a bunch of them to ride
out into the surf and toss these grenade-thingies full of Diogenes' fire potion, which will force the monster ashore.
Hercules not being there on time is a major problem, and Ulysses wants
to go look for him, but Diogenes realizes that time is of the essence and
the big guy would want them to carry on without him. Overhearing this,
Ortag jumps on a horse and rides off! They think he's deserting them,
perhaps fearful of facing the sea monster again.
But Ortag is not a coward, he's in fact headed back towards the city to
find Hercules (and has managed to round up another horse to boot).
Somehow knowing just where to find him (how?), he helps Hercules out
of the well by tossing down some dirt so Hercules can shimmy up the well
walls again. He and Ortag gallop at full speed towards the beach.
There, they find that the sea monster is up on the sandy beach now,
thanks to Diogenes' firebombs. The monster is a big foam rubber
puppet about fifteen-feet long and shaped like a big-ass worm with
multiple pinchers and snapping jaws, the front half held up off the sand
by wires off-screen. It looks kinda like the big bug in Men in
Black.
The sea monster! Arg, run!
Ortag gets too close and is smacked by a claw, dying in the sand.
Hercules jumps off his horse and does battle with the beast with just
his sword and his crafty wits. As predicted, the fleet-footed Hercules
is able to get inside the slowly-swinging claws of the beast and deliver a
number of sharp stabs to the soft underbelly. The beast flops to the
sand in agony, and Hercules steps up to deliver the coup de grace,
plunging his sword down into the beast's head. Yea!
Rah, snik snik snik!
The King is killed by accident in the fires, Princess Diana becomes Queen, and Hercules loads up the boat and sails
off to make follow-up episodes (didn't happen, pilot wasn't picked up).
The End.
Written in March 2007 by Nathan Decker
that's between you and the vengeful wrath of your personal god...