Crash of Moons
(1954)
Rocky Jones and his fearless Rangers save untold millions from certain death!
This is a full-length movie culled from three episodes of the Rocky Jones, Space Ranger, a kids' sci-fi
adventure television series from 1954. This was a three-episode story arc from July of the first season in 1954.
The movie itself was finished later in the 1950s, and very possibly was only shown on television.
Crash of Moons was directed by Hollingsworth Morse, who also helmed all 39 television episodes of
Rocky Jones. Morse would go on to direct some classic television series, including Flipper,
McHale's Navy, The Fall Guy and The Dukes of Hazard. Truly, his body of directorial work
has to rank near the top of all time, though few people today probably know his name.
I will be using a 2005 Brentwood DVD for this review, presented in black and white and running just 72 minutes
long. The film quality is fairly good, and the sound is strong and clear, very nice for such a low-budget movie. All
in all an enjoyable film to watch with a bag of Baked Lays and a Fresca.
And now on to our show...
Ok, first off, I have never seen a single episode of Rocky Jones the series, so my review will be based
solely on this movie and nothing else. From what I've seen here, it doesn't look like I've missed much by not
seeing the series.
Hmmm...I have a video camera, not a good one, but serviceable. I also have a sewing machine, a box of nuts and
bolts and some super glue. Further, I have about fifteen bucks cash and there's a Wal-Mart just down the road.
With all of this, and a free afternoon without the kids, I could easily recreate all the sets and costumes seen in
Crash of Moons. I think that's about all I need to say about the quality of the props and sets.
Our story takes place in deep space, in a time far in the future when the galaxy has been largely explored and
colonized by man. Peace and security are assured by the presence of Rocky Jones and his Space Rangers, a sort
of interplanetary police force for the United Worlds, a galaxy-spanning sphere of influence centered on Earth.
With a force of spiffy rocket ships and ray guns, Rocky and his Rangers save the day on countless occasions.
We open on the planet Ophesus, where Rocky is involved in contentious negotiations with Cleolanta, iron-fisted
dictator/queen of this world. Along with Rocky are his flaming gay co-pilot Winky and bumbling diplomat Drake,
who is "Secretary of Space" for the United Worlds. Cleolanta is a total bitch throughout this entire
movie, arrogant and blustering, always sparring with Rocky and threatening his death. Cleolanta ends these talks
by telling Rocky he has an hour to get the hell off her planet or she will blast them. So Rocky and his two
associates leave in their spaceship.
Space Ranger Rocky Jones, here and in all the television episodes, is played by 36-year old Richard Crane. Crane
was a well-traveled actor in the 1940s and 50s, appearing in a lot of movies during WWII when many other stars
were in the service. For my tastes, his most notable role might be Captain Harding from 1951's Mysterious
Island. He's a rather unassuming looking man, with a slight build and unremarkable features. Not exactly
what one would expect from a leading man, but he's not up against much competition in this movie. It took me
several watchings to determine that he looks most like Brad Sherwood from the insanely funny Who's Line is it
Anyway? . Rocky, and all the Rangers, wear a standard uniform of a dark jacket, t-shirt and tights with a
stripe down the legs. I will resist any and all comparisons to Captain Kirk.
Queen Cleolanta is played by sultry 23-year old Patsy Parsons. She would play the same character in six episodes
of the first season of Rocky Jones in 1954, as well as several of the movies made from episodes in 1954
and 56. She's a voluptuous and attractive girl, made more so by her sneering and bitching...I have strange tastes,
I know. In this scene wears a low cut outfit that shows off some seriously impressive cleavage.
Ok, this two minute scene can either be totally blown off or it can be carefully listened to. Cleolanta admonishes
them for "landing on my planet without my permission". To which Rocky and Drake seem actually indignant,
despite this clear breach of diplomatic protocol. How would they like it if some alien race just landed on Earth
without even announcing themselves? They'd be pissed for sure, and maybe even start shooting. So the movie
wants us to roll our eyes at Cleolanta the Imperious Bitch Queen, but her reactions seem perfectly reasonable
considering the circumstances. Hmm...and I wonder if Ophesus is a veiled anti-communist poke? Considering the
political climate at the time (1954) I wouldn't doubt it.
And why are Rocky and Drake here anyway? They say they are here to, I guess, pressure Ophesus into joining
the United Worlds. They say it's for their own good, that the United Worlds can offer them many benefits. That
may be true, but it sure seems like the UW are the bullies on the street who just assume that every planet in the
galaxy wants to join with them. Hmm...nothing like America and the rest of the free world, eh?
Back aboard their spaceship, co-pilot Winky begins to complain about Cleolanta' rudeness. Drake agrees with
Winky's complaints, he just can't understand why anyone would not want to be in the United Worlds and
goosestep along with Rocky and his friends.
Winky is played by 25-year old Scotty Beckett. Beckett was a child actor, playing Scotty on The Little
Rascals from 1934 to 36, and acting in an amazing 77 movies before the age of 18. Following Rocky
Jones, however, something happened to his career and he ended up overdosing on drugs in 1968. The Winky
character is the show's requisite comedic relief and token gay dude, but his attempts at humor are flat even for
1954. I wanted to kill him every time he opened his mouth. There is a weird dynamic between Rocky and Winky
here. As the clear leader of the Rangers, Rocky gives the orders, but Winky almost always delays before
complying. Rocky will say "Winky, turn off the engines." and Winky will stare over at him with this look that either
says "You pompus pretty boy, I should have gotten the lead role, not you." or "I refuse to be your yes-man, you
jerk, so I'm going to pause noticeably before doing what you ask of me."
Ascot-wearing Secretary of Space Drake is played by 60-year old Charles Meredith. Meredith is a tall,
fine-looking older man, who seems pained that he has to wear these silly costumes and blabber on so. Throughout
this movie he is forced to say some of the lamest lines and laugh at Winky's inane jokes.
Rocky's spaceship is a fairly typical 1950s design, called the XV-2 Orbit Jet. It's basically a needle-nosed
ICBM with two sets of tapering fins, one in front and one near the rocket nozzles. Inside, there's a control room
and an attached lounge and navigation station. If this is a one-off custom job or the standard Space Ranger ship
is unknown. The interior sets for the Orbit Jet appear to be made of cardboard and plywood, with desks
and office chairs covered with "spacey looking" widgets and gadgets. There is nothing particularly noteworthy
about the bland sets and if you didn't know it was a spaceship interior, you'd think it was just a house on the
ground. The "navigation table" is especially funny, with complex orbital calculations made with little more than a
pencil and a plastic ruler on a paper map.
Over now to Deep Space Station DS-9...er, OW-9. The optical effects here are stunning, with the space station
looking nothing like a steering wheel from a 1952 Buick, painted silver with some extra doodads glued on the post.
Really. Aboard the station are three friends and associates of Rocky, all regulars from the series. These are the
lovely Vena Ray, the smartyhead Professor Newton and the annoying kid Bobby. Vena, Newton and Bobby talk to
Rocky over the radio. It seems that they traveled all the way out to the station from Earth because they wanted
to meet old friends who live on one of the "Gypsy Moons". It seems these moons wander through the galaxy as a
pair, and soon they are going to pass real close to the station. They want to chat with their friends as they pass,
catch up on the news and the baseball scores and all that. The moons are named Nagato and Poseeta (I guessed
on the spellings), and their friends live on Poseeta.
The perky Vena Ray is played by 31-year old Sally Mansfield. I must say, that for a 1950s television actress, she
is rather hot. The curled and gelled haircut has to go, but she has a very pretty face and a lilting sexy voice.
She's terribly overdressed for her role here, wearing a short dress, black boots and a satin cape! Who is Vena,
anyway? Is she Rocky's lover, sister, what? Nothing in this movie suggests any chemistry between her and
anyone else.
Professor Newton is played by 70-year old Lithuanian-born Maurice Cass. Cass was a hard working character
actor for some 34 years, appearing in 133 movies. He mostly remained obscure, and in fully 56 of his
appearances he's listed as "uncredited". Maybe it was scripted this way, or maybe Cass was just really old, but
the Newton character is borderline senile in this movie. He plays an alleged smartyhead scientist, but he seems
well past his prime, and makes at least one critical error that nearly gets them all killed. He's a good-natured old
man, however, and gets some lengthy dialogue at times.
Little Bobby is played by Robert Lyden who is about 10-years old or so. He plays the role of Annoying Child
Sidekick, predating the demonic Kennys of Godzilla and Gamera fame by several years. Thank God he doesn't
wear pedophile microshorts like the Kennys! Since this series was made for kids, it's no surprise that Bobby gets
way more screen time than his role deserves. Who is this kid? Is he Rocky's son? Little brother? A
Ranger-in-training? Some orphan they rescued from the slime monster of Regulus IV? I'm sure they explained
this in the series. Where are his parents?
Back to the story. The problem is that the two wandering moons are plotted to pass one on either side of the
station! This is bad as the "atmosphere chain" between the two moons will mangle the station, which is not
designed for such stresses. The station has no attitude controls of its own and has no capability to relocate or
affect the paths of the moons. Sitting duck, in other words. It also has no means of saving the crew in event of
an emergency, no space lifeboats, no ejection pods, nothing. There aren't even any spaceships currently at the
station to get the crew to safety.
The transport ship TR-14 from Earth that dropped off Vena, Newton and Bobby left a while ago, but they
make an effort to try and call it back to evacuate the station. They can't make contact, however, and they are
now running out of options. Rocky's Orbit Jet is too far away, and even though he's speeding as fast as he
can, it looks like the moons will win this race.
The whole idea of the Gypsy Moons is preposterous. They want us to believe that these two celestial bodies are
wandering around the galaxy following a virtually random path. And what sort of repulsor effect keeps the one
with the lesser mass and gravity from merging with the larger one? They are shocked to learn that they put their
space station right in their paths, and later are equally shocked with they are headed for another planet,
suggesting that either this is the first time the Gypsy Moons have come through this galaxy or that the Space
Rangers have no way to calculate orbital paths. Since all their astrophysics and navigation instruments seem to be
cardboard boxes placed on tables with knobs and switches duct taped onto them, I can see how they wouldn't be
able to track the moons.
We leave this "tense drama" for a bit to go to the surface of Poseeta, one of the aforementioned Gypsy Moons,
to visit the friends that our heroes came to chat with. The people we meet here are a married couple and their
toddler son, and I think that the man is the "king" of this moon. We see that their child has a problem, he seems
to cry uncontrollably for no reason at odd times. As the father of a 3-year old and a 2-month old, I can
sympathize with these parents. The baby is shown in close-ups as what appears to be a stock footage child (!), all
live action shots have the baby completely wrapped up in a blanket to hide the fact that it's a doll.
King Bavarro is the dad, and is played by 44-year old John Banner. Banner will forever be remembered as the
clueless Sergeant Schultz on Hogan's Heroes, but he had a long and varied career in both movies and
television. He's apparently a big-time San Diego Chargers fan as his house and his costume are adorned with
numerous lightning bolts. That's cool, San Diego is a great city, best weather in the world and lots of pretty girls
sunning themselves along the Silver Strand. Not too bad a football team either, nice to see Drew Brees really
shine in his contract year like that. If they could just get some decent help on the offensive line, and maybe some
lock-down corners, they could compete in a weak division. 12-4 last year was a fluke, their schedule this season is
brutal. Money is on 8-8, maybe 9-7 at best. Hmm...wait, I think I'm supposed to be doing a movie review here.
Potanda is the mom, and is played by 37-year old Maria Palmer. The Austrian-born Palmer would have a short
career in movies, appearing in just 17 films, none of them particularly remarkable. She is quite tall and wears a
sexy short dress, with high heels even, and has the firm muscular legs of a dancer.
So the station OW-9 is now in serious trouble. Caught in the atmosphere chain, it's buffeted severely. Inside, the
actors stumble around as the camera jiggles. Ancient Newton just stays in his chair holding onto the desk while
gritting his teeth, he's too old to be lurching around like that. At the last minute, Rocky races in to save the
station, maneuvering the Orbit Jet into the station's docking port despite the wild rocking and rolling. The
docking complete, Rocky opens the throttles on the Orbit Jet, using the thrust to push the station out of the
atmosphere chain.
The optical effect of the station in the atmosphere chain is laughable, the model shaken on it's string in front of a
back-projection of a stock footage rolling volcanic eruption (Vesuvius in 1944?) and flashes of lightning. And just
how powerful are the engines on the Orbit Jet? That close to both moons, you'd think that there would be a
substantial amount of gravitational attraction to overcome.
Anyway, that crisis over, Rocky Jones and crew visit the moon Poseeta, landing their ship near the home of
Bavarro and family. Hmmm...awful bright on the surface of the moon considering how distant they are from the
sun. They exchange warm greetings and catch up a bit, the girls hugging and googooing over the baby. It seems
that Rocky and his crew haven't been to Poseeta in several years (or at least a indefinite length of time). The
baby is about two-years old, and their reactions suggest that they haven't seen him yet. Further, Rocky and
Potanda never really greet each other, which is a little strange. And that baby looks a bit like Rocky in the
face...You, know, I think Rocky banged Potanda the last time he was here and that baby is his!!!! Damn, maybe
he's more like Captain Kirk than I thought.
Rocky drops the bomb on Bavarro, telling him that his moon is destined to smack into the planet Ophesus and be
atomized. They checked and double checked the figures and there is no doubt about it. Bavarro is shocked and
disbelieving, of course, but agrees to Rocky's suggestions for a drastic course of action. Bavarro and Drake will
go over to the other moon, Nagato, to arrange for refugees to move over there. Rocky and Winky will go to
Ophesus again to try and warn Queen Cleolanta about the approaching danger. Newton, Vena and Bobby will stay
here at the house with Potanda and the baby.
We go back to the planet Ophesus for a bit, were we meet Queen Cleolanta's right-hand man Atlasan and his wife
Trinka. These two have a very dysfunctional marriage, he's a yes-man for Cleolanta and Trinka is strong-willed
and independent, causing frequent and often violent arguments. Trinka is also a member of the "underground"
and she has an "astrophone" in her room that she uses to listen to messages from off-world. Astrophone? Didn't
they realize that radio waves travel through space in 1954?
Atlasan is played by 40-year old Harry Lauter. The Atlasan character was a semi-regular on the Rocky
Jones series and the movies made from those episodes. Lauter was the consummate television actor,
appearing in a stunning 240 episodes of various shows. He also appeared in 159 different movies over a 42-year
career. For my particular tastes, he's best known for playing General Winthrop in 1971's Escape From the
Planet of the Apes and Drake in 1958's Missile Monsters.
Trinka is played by 28-year old Nan Leslie. Leslie once dated Gene Autry, which might be her best claim to fame.
Her final role was as Dorothy Vetry in 1968's The Bamboo Saucer. She's not an especially attractive
woman, and the only female cast member who doesn't wear a mini-skirt. She's a much better actress than the
rest of them, however.
Rocky and Winky have by now arrived at Ophesus, where they stand off and attempt to radio the populace of the
planet about the danger. Trinka picks up the message on her astrophone and is appalled. Before she can do
anything, however, her husband Atlasan catches her and accuses her of being a "traitor" for having the forbidden
receiver. This is a bad, bad marriage. Atlasan totally sells out his own wife without even waiting to hear her side
of the story. He drags her off to Cleolanta, even though it will probably mean her death. These people need
Doctor Phil.
Not receiving any reply, Rocky again lands the Orbit Jet on Ophesus without permission. They are nearly shot
down by defensive fire, but are saved when Trinka pulls a gun on Atlasan, preventing him from shooting any more
Trinka is then hauled off to a cell, her husband decrying her as a rotten traitor. The "special effect" for the
attack on the Orbit Jet is hilarious. A firecracker is hung on fishing line near the Orbit Jet model and
set off. I seriously could duplicate that effect in five minutes using just my kitchen table and some Elmer's glue.
Also note the quick insert shot where Rocky and Winky react to the explosion. Rocky jerks sharply in his chair on
the mark, but Winky barely moves! Winky must have ice water in his veins...
Once landed, Rocky and Winky break into the city, pushing past and around the laughably weak security. They
force Queen Cleolanta to listen to their warning. In these scenes, we see a total of three Ophesus security
guards. Cleolanta, despite the dire circumstances, locks Rocky and Winky in a cell and knocks them out with
sedative gas. She then plots with Atlasan to fly to Poseeta and destroy it with missiles, saving Ophesus. Wow,
Cleolanta is truly a sadistic bitch! She's perfectly willing to sacrifice the entire population of Poseeta for her own
planet's safety. Well, I guess that's what I'd expect from my queen, however, to look out for my people first.
Better one moon destroyed than two, right? And she does kind of have a point, it's not Ophesus' fault that the
collision is going to take place, they are the one's being rammed.
Before they take off, Atlasan goes to see Trinka, wracked with guilt for branding his wife as a traitor. He tells
her that he is going with Cleolanta in her spaceship to destroy the rogue moon. Trinka begs him to either warn the
people of Poseeta or let Rocky Jones go and do it. Atlasan is reluctant to directly help, but he does unlock
Trinka's cell so she can do it herself. When Atlasan goes to see his wife in the cell, note that his sidearm is
missing, the empty holster fairly obvious. Why? Did Cleolanta disarm him after he let Trinka steal his gun earlier?
Did the prop master just forget to give it to him before the scene?
Atlasan and Cleolanta now take off in their spaceship, headed for Poseeta. Cleolanta's ship is a 1940s design,
looking like an overly simplified V-1 rocket. It apparently has a crew of just two (Cleolanta and Atlasan) and is
armed with missiles. I suspect, with Cleolanta being so xenophobic, this might be the only spaceship on the planet.
The control room set for Cleolanta's ship is a simple redress of the Orbit Jet set. The desks and chairs are
the same, just the camera angle and the frame around the door in the background has been changed a bit.
Trinka sneaks out of her cell and into the other, reviving Rocky and Winky from the gas. She tells them about
Cleolanta's evil plan and they make their break out of the city. Along the way, they have to fight several guards.
They have to knock out three guards (the same three extras that we saw earlier when they landed) which they do
in some of the lamest fight scenes ever filmed. DVD slo-mo shows that punches miss by eight inches at least and
kicks are "walked into" more than delivered. Rocky is oh-so-not Captain Kirk, because not once did he rip his shirt
or launch the patented Shatner Double-Leg Flying Kick. And Kirk would have banged Trinka five minutes after
they first met.
Cleolanta has a head start on them, however, and she starts bombarding Poseeta with "Tritantic missiles". Down
on the moon's surface there is bedlam as explosions rock the city and people run for cover. The little baby is
taken by Vena and Bobby to an underground shelter, while Newton and Potanda hunker down in the ruins of the
palace. Hmm...I hope they plan on hitting Poseeta with millions of those little missiles, otherwise I don't see how
they are going to "destroy the moon" any time soon.
Rocky's Orbit Jet now arrives on the scene, charging up from behind. He disables the Ophesusian ship with a
single missile and orders them to stand down. Atlasan has a not-unexpected change of heart when he hears
Trinka aboard the Orbit Jet and agrees to stop the battle. He ties up Cleolanta (!) and apologizes to Trinka.
Wow, when Cleolanta gets loose, I sure hope she immediately has Atlasan executed for this treasonous mutiny.
The Orbit Jet then lands on Poseeta and they go to rescue their friends. Everyone is fine, though a bit
frazzled. Notice that when Rocky runs into the damaged palace, his first words are not "Where is Vena, Bobby
or Newton or Bavarro?" but "Where is the baby?" His concern for the child above all else perhaps proves that
the little guy is Rocky's alien love seed!
So they evacuate Poseeta to Nagato, flying over in "shuttles" that look like chromo-keyed A-4 Skyhawks
superimposed on the planet's surface. Cleolanta is brought down to Poseeta by a tractor beam and given a lecture
by Drake about the value of life and the transient nature of land and country, blah blah blah. As this scene
starts, watch Vena in the background as she misses the cue, still smoothing out her dress before realizing the
camera is rolling.
The new plan is, once Poseeta is evacuated completely, Rocky will go up in Cleolanta's ship and try and destroy the
empty moon with the missiles. This they try, but as we could have told them, the little missiles have absolutely no
effect on Poseeta. Well, that sucks. Now they have to evacuate Ophesus and just let the two bodies collide.
Since there is only one spaceship apparently owned by the planet, they will have to have outside help.
A fleet of United Worlds spaceships lands on Ophesus. These are duplicated and superimposed shots of the
Orbit Jet and the TR-14 transport rocket. So, I guess that Rocky's ship is the standard model for
the Ranges after all. As the first ship lands, a desperate mob of locals tries to storm the control room. They are
talked down by Trinka, of all people, who assures everyone that the UW will get everyone to safety.
Queen Cleolanta, meanwhile, is still raging about the injustice of it all. She laments the loss of her planet and is
sure that her people will now be scattered across the galaxy like the Lost Tribes of Israel. This issue is never
resolved at movie's end and we can only assume that, indeed, they disbanded as a people. Once exposed to other
cultures and governments, I doubt that many Ophesusians would want to return to rule by the autocratic
Cleolanta anyway.
Once the population is off, they all watch from space as Poseeta collides with Ophesus, exploding both in a big
puff of sparks and smoke. The ending scene hints that Cleolanta has perhaps finally realized that being nice does
pay. Or something like that, I really wasn't paying attention at this point. Rocky smirks and laughs as the credits
roll, another day saved by our hero.
The end, thanks for reading.
Too bad for Nagato, all the fragments of the two destroyed bodies so close surely rained down on Nagato in a
never-ending extinction level event of death and destruction. Ok, I'm sure that last part didn't happen, but it
should have.
Written in May 2005 by Nathan Decker.
Rocky Jones!
Queen Cleolanta (yum!).
Winky!
Drake.
The Orbit Jet!
OW-9.
Vena Ray (yummy!).
Professor Newton.
Bobby.
They Gypsy Moons are a'comin'!
King Bavarro.
Potanda, the tall hottie there in the middle.
"No, Bobby, you can't touch them."
Atlasan, there on the left with Cleolante.
Trinka!
Cleolanta's ship.
Oh, yeah, that's Rocky's spawn right there.
"Rocky, you magnificent bastard, when will
you realize my hidden love for you?"
Rocky Jones!