Hey, Kelby McFurryballs here again, it's almost like I never left, amiright? After a few pleasant weeks in Helsinki, you know, just doing the usual tourist stuff like strip clubs and pimping hookers for spare change, I've decided it might be time to move on. American shores call to me, my ancestral homeland beckons, and as much as I'm enjoying the elicit carnal delights of Finland, I must follow the Siren Song of my furry soul and head back to Indiana. Also I've been tossed out of my hostel again for being "lewd and drunk" whatever that means. Plus I hear Interpol is closing in on me.
While hiding behind a dumpster in an alley down by the docks (don't judge me) I met Lars, a graduate film student at a local arts college, taking out the trash after his shift at the fish market because liberal arts degrees are just as useless in Europe as they are in America. Despite me making fun of him, Lars has agreed to get me on a ferry to Copenhagen. The catch? I have to review his student film from 2015 for MMT, which of course he carries a DVD of around with him at all times just in case he runs into Quentin Tarantino at the fish stall and (this is my big chance!) he agrees to watch it and make him a star. Ok, whatever. I'm used to debasing myself for favors by now. Let's have it.
Siat II: The Age of Aironman? What the holy hell kind of title is that? Is there a Siat I? No. There is not. Is this all you've done in film school since 2015? Come on, Lars, don't do this to me!
Since this is a shitty student film, lets annotate it like we're in Film School 101, alright? Yes, Lars, I can see you flunked that class. Probably like three times.
Our film opens on a sunny day in (presumably) Finland where a skinny, dorky kid rows a boat to an island (maybe?) and gets out.
1) Is that Hayden Christensen? Seriously I thought he was dead.
2) Boats scare me. Water scares me. Herpes scares me...but not enough to make me use a condom.
3) Is that an apple? Can I eat it? I got kicked out of the hostel last night right before dinner.
So I guess our film's protagonist is this Dorky Kid. Lars, is this your little brother? Wait, was that YOU in 2015? Hahahahahahaha!!!
4) Our "hero" weighs less than I do and I'm a cat.
5) Like, omigod! Is he wearing Crocs?
6) This tree is in almost every shot in this film and I believe it needs an Oscar.
Random insert shot of a dead fish? Was that left over from work or did it wash up there on its own? That's "artistic." I guess.
7) I do like fish, but only when cut into easily-chewable bits and fed to me by naked strippers with their bare fingers. Because I like strippers. Also I have sensitive teeth and no thumbs.
He starts to take off his clothes?? Whoa whoa whoa there kid, keep the pants ON, okay? Nobody needs to see that.
8) Boxer briefs? Okay whatever. I prefer to go commando myself, but then I'm blessed by nature if you know what I mean.
9) You'd never make it in porn, kid.
10) You came here to read? Nerd.
Suddenly from nowhere appears a figure dressed all in black and eating a cabbage! It would be easy to assume this pimply teenager is just some homeless dirtbag who needs some roughage to help with his heroin-induced constipation, but I believe he is Loki, the Norse Trickster! I have absolutely no reason to think this but I'm running with it.
11) Why cabbage? I feel like I'm back in Russia!
12) Loki is a messy eater just like me. Yet another way in which I'm like a god.
Dorky Kid seems more annoyed that surprised or afraid. Has he met the Norse Trickster before? Has he always known him or is he just a little slow?
13) Once again, this is our "hero". I hope the wind doesn't pick up or he'll be blown right the hell across the lake.
14) How long have you been trying to grow that "mustache," son?
15) Hit the gym and maybe mix in a cheeseburger or two. Go for carbs and lots of dairy.
Dorky Kid must dork, so he turns his back on the Norse Trickster and starts to read. Is it Kafka? Is it Movie Acting for Dummies? Lars the fishmonger thinks he's Lars Van Trier but he's more like Lars Van Try Harder Not To Make It Suck, right? Hehe...I'm cracking myself up here.
16) That water looks dirty, and cold. Kind of like that undercover cop posing as a stripper I accidentally stabbed back in Malinovka.
17) Oh I thought it was a comic book, my bad. It's "literature." Personally I can't be bothered to read because I love strippers.
Um, ten seconds of just staring at the top of his head? Who edited this? Lars, did you do all the post-production work on your own? I am glad you put the word "music" in quotes in the credits, though because one annoying, dissonant chord played over and over and over...and over and over and over...and over and over and over...is not a film score.
18) Get a damn haircut.
Determined not to let the interloper ruin his day of nerding, Dorky Kid stomps off to be alone with his book...but can a feeble human really just ignore the venerable gods of ye olden days so easily? Yes. Yes he can.
19) Trench coat in the wind, two points for Gryffindor.
20) The closest we get to a hero pose from our "hero."
21) Man, your arms are so skinny! Too much time playing video games I'll bet. That's not exercise, dude...and neither is wanking.
22) Nibbles could take you in a heartbeat and he puts the "pussy" back in "pussycat," the elitist little shit-stain.
A jump-cut to an empty field? Why, Lars? Does it symbolize the void at the center of mankind's soul? Are you Ingmar Bergman now? What's this movie about, anyway? He doesn't even know. Dumbass.
23) Is that weed? Let's light up, man. It's the only way I'm gonna make it through this.
The Norse Trickster produces another cabbage (or maybe it's the same cabbage?), surely this implies that his magical godly ways are beyond human comprehension.
24) Speaking of weed, I think he used to used to be my dealer. Howdy Dylann with two "n's!" The check's in the mail, scout's honor!
25) Where did that come from? Does he have a stash of vegetables stuffed down his pants? That's fine, I mean whatever turns you on, but you really should keep them wrapped in plastic or foil or something to avoid, uh, cross-contamination.
26) That goatee is some serious weaksauce, man. Definitely needs some work. Maybe give it a few more years or consider getting some hormone treatments.
At the sight of the fresh cabbage rage bubbles up in our dorky human. Or maybe it's gas. He is in no mood for Loki's vegetable shenanigans. He has been tormented long enough!
27) Nice dimple, dude. Maybe if you got a damn haircut and stood up straight once in awhile you might actually get a date. Or not. I don't care.
28) That mole looks weird. Maybe you should get that thing looked at.
29) Aren't all hipster t-shirts supposed to have an ironic retro saying on them? That plain blue t is a real disappointment.
Having had enough of Loki's mischief, Dorky Kid takes up his paddle, marches upon the Norse Trickster and grabs his cabbage. He throws it to the ground and smashes it with angst-filled rage. What does that symbolize? Surely something important. Man's rejection of the old gods in favor of a monotheistic faith? Or maybe he just wants some cole slaw?
30) Classic action stance! I love how the breeze blows out your trench coat. Just like in the Matrix.
31) Where did the paddle come from? Oh, yeah. He used it to row here so he could have a nice quiet afternoon reading on the beach like a loser.
32) Your calves look like twigs. How do you even walk on those without them snapping in half?
The violence is shocking! Never before have I seen such improper and vindictive behavior directed against perfectly good foodstuffs. Except the daily cabbage smashing competition back in that Russian prison, but that doesn't count because that was a time-honored local tradition and we were all bored out of our freaking minds. This display offends my delicate sensibilities. I am appalled.
33) That's just a senseless waste of a perfectly good vegetable. Don't you know there are children starving in Biafra?
34) Maybe hit the dude with this instead of just whacking his cabbage? Whacking his cabbage sounds dirty. I like it. Wait, can you actual harm an immortal god with earthly weapons?
35) Ugh, cargo pockets below the knee? How 1995.
The Norse Trickster haz a sad. Never has humankind defied him in such a bold and disrespectful manner.
36) He should take better care of his hair, I can see his split ends from here. Aussie makes a really nice three-minute leave-in conditioner. Maybe give that a try for a few weeks.
37) I feel really bad for redheads. They always look like they've just shaved their eyebrows.
38) Is this you "emoting"? Really? Who are you anyway? Lars' roommate at college? Did he find you at an overpriced hipster record store? Or maybe you work the oyster stall at the fish market? You look like a dumb shucker. I made a funny.
Feeling proud and confident for what is certainly the first and only time in his pathetic life, Dorky Kid holds up the cabbage like he's Hamlet with Yorick's skull and lets out a primal scream. Well, more of a primal trying-to-do-Chewbacca-but-something-went-horribly-wrong. Surely it's a cathartic and life-changing moment for him, eh? Or maybe he has a deep-seated hatred for leafy greens. Perhaps a bok choy killed his grandmother or something.
39) Loki is pouting. Oh, but those old gods are so sensitive.
40) Five Second Rule on the cabbage!
41) Maybe buy your shirts a size or two bigger so we don't have to see your pasty back flesh, ok?
Speaking of pasty back flesh, for some reason Dorky Kid takes his shirt off now and stares out into the water. Is he contemplating the vastness of the universe? The depth of human emotion? His own lack thereof? Who knows? Not me and probably not Lars, either.
42) I like trees. Lars does, too.
43) More wonky-looking moles. You seriously need to make an appointment with a dermatologist and have those checked out, dude. Do it while you're young. Trust me. The older you get the more that laser lance burns.
Perhaps aroused in ways he can't fully comprehend by Dorky Kid's pale, hairless back, the Norse Trickster smiles a creepy, porn-addicted smile. Is this his way of saying that we mortals are but playthings for the ageless gods above? Better not pull those pants down again, Dorky Kid or you might get a little Asgardian surprise.
44) There are just so many negative associations with the black trench coat these days. It's such a shame, too as they used to seem so cool. When do you ever see a guy in a black trench coat now and not subconsciously take note of his facial features so you can have something intelligent to say when the local news interviews you after the massacre? Oh, did I get a little too dark for you there? You try staying all cheerful and bright while watching this shit.
Having recovered from the loss of his (first?) cabbage, the Norse Trickster is back on his feet and in a mood for more mischief. A second (third?) cabbage appears and more cabbage-munching will surely ensue. That also sounds dirty and I kinda wish I was cabbage-munching right now.
45) Just eat it already, goddamnit!
46) Ah, there's the ironic hipster t-shirt I was looking for! Odd that it's in English, though. Does Hot Topic in Finland not sell ironic t's in Finnish? Where's your national pride?
47) Why does he have the paddle now? Is there some age-old symbolism associated with boat paddles in Norse mythology? No. There is not.
48) Is that a park bench? Where did you film this crap anyway?
Now he's got a carrot which he eats semi-seductively. Ewww! The screen fades to black as the Norse Trickster moves in to murder/hug/ignore/assimilate/make sweet love to Dorky Kid. Who knows how this battle of wills might actually end? I'm just glad it faded out before more innocent vegetables were harmed.
49) That's another really nice tree, perfect for sharpening my claws so I can scratch the fuck out of this DVD.
50) Carrots are gross. I prefer salmon snacks (fed to me by naked strippers with their bare fingers, of course) and licking my own butt hole.
I don't understand how anyone thought this was a good idea during any stage of production. Lars, be honest now. What grade did you really get for this shit?
Whoa, is it that time already? I gotta go! The ferry is already loaded and about to leave. Smell ya later!
Next stop Denmark, bitches!
The End.
Written in January 2019 by Kelby McFurryballs.
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that's between you and the vengeful wrath of your personal god...