Carnage Meter!
Princess Leia
Hi. Following the success of my James Bond, John Rambo, Aragorn, and Han Solo Carnage Meters, I present my latest creation, the semi-official Princess Leia Organa Carnage Meter.
Princess Leia is of course the plucky space heroine of the three Star Wars movies. While outwardly just a teenager with terribly unattractive hair, over the course of three movies Leia proves herself to be an able fighter and disher of rebel-with-a-cause ass-kicking. With a killer body and a commanding personality, she set the standard for strong female action heroes in the late 1970s.
Unlike Han Solo, or any other Star Wars character for that matter, Princess Leia also possesses certain other...hmm...qualities that make her special. I am, of course, referring to the GOLD SLAVE GIRL BIKINI from Return of the Jedi. What can I say about that outfit? I...ack, urk...hmmm, well, you see...I, oh my...well...yes, she do...ummmmm. Excuse me, I seem to have melted. Yes, that single skimpy outfit has given billions (!!!) of young boys (present company included) endless steamy daydreams and fantasies. Half the ticket sales were repeat buyers trying to catch a glimpse of bare skin. I can also guarantee you that when these movies came out on DVD, at least 95% of the purchases were by 30something men who finally (FINALLY!!!) could ultra slo-mo those scenes of Leia in the bikini to see if she did indeed flash some boobie (see did!!! The legends are true!!!). And what great boobies they were. And, oh my, what glorious thighs! Creamy, silky, oh, and that flat, firm tummy of hers, so...er...hmm...ack...(wife smacks me with brick...)
(regains consciousness...) Ummm...what was this page about again? Oh, yes, her Carnage Meter. Well, let's get right to it, shall we?
STAR WARS EPISODE IV: A NEW HOPE (1977)
On the Rebel Cruiser:
On the Death Star:
STAR WARS EPISODE V: THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK (1980)
On the gas city Bespin:
STAR WARS EPISODE VI: RETURN OF THE JEDI (1983)
On the planet Tatooine:
On the planet Endor, before the big battle:
On the planet Endor, during the big battle:
TOTALS
Destroys 2 Imperial Speeder Bikes.
Thanks folks!
Document written in March 2005 by Nathan Decker
Kills 1 Imperial Stormtrooper.
Kills 1 Imperial Stormtrooper.
Damages Fett's Slave One ship with blaster fire.
Kills 3 Imperial Stormtroopers.
Strangles Jabba the Hut to death.
For decades I thought that Leia fired the deck gun on Jabba's sail barge, giving her credit for that kill. As I watched it again for this review, however, I see that while she aimed the gun, Luke actually pulled the trigger.
Stokes the budding libidos of zillions of fanboys of all ages.
Destroys 2 Imperial Speeder Bikes.
Kills 1 Imperial Stormtrooper.
Injures 1 Imperial Stormtrooper (hits him with a stick).
Kills 1 Imperial AT-ST Crewman.
Kills 2 Imperial Stormtroopers.
Injures 1 Imperial Stormtrooper (steps on him).
Damages Fett's Slave One ship with blaster fire.
Strangles Jabba the Hut to death.
Kills 1 Imperial AT-ST Crewman.
Kills 8 Imperial Stormtroopers.
Injures 2 Imperial Stormtroopers.
100,000,000 ruined bed sheets.
100 pounds of cocaine snorted during production.
2 times kissed her brother Luke on the mouth, one a nasty, lingering Frencher. Ick by all standards, even if she didn't know at the time. Eww...