(Nate lost the screen capture files, because he sucks,
but they are being replaced soon.)
Of all the Godzilla films this is probably the most divisive of all. There are two
camps--those who find this film a true classic of the original Godzilla series, and
those who absolutely loathe it as being the beginning of the end for the evil
antagonistic Godzilla we had all come to know and love. I'm pretty firmly in the
latter of the two camps--I have nothing but contempt for this film... raw, seething
hatred. Yes this movie deserves to die a thousand deaths even though it has
one or two good scenes, and introduces Godzilla's best opponent ever (the title
Undeniably, this film represents a huge turning point in the series, veering away
from mean-spirited city destruction of old into more comical light-hearted monster-
on-monster action. That makes it more kid-friendly, but even as a kid (this was the
third VHS tape I'd ever bought after Godzilla vs.
Megalon and Godzilla vs. The Sea
Monster, for the hefty price of $15.00 back in 1988) I had always found this
film an immensely disappointing and displeasurable viewing experience. It takes
three unforgivably HEINOUS missteps in my opinion--A) it introduced the idea of a
"good" Godzilla, B) it introduced the idea of "talking" monsters, and C) absolutely
no military response whatsover!! I rest my case.
Toho studios had a huge success in 1964 with Godzilla vs. Mothra, which sure, is not
perfect but has cemented itself as one of the most popular films of the
franchise. Sure, I loved it due to A) the suit, B) the 20 minutes dedicated to
Godzilla getting pummeled by the JSDF, and C) lots of Godzilla roaming around
destroying things. The moth was completely incidental to me and I always Fast-
Forwarded through the dry talky bits where the main characters went to the twin
fairies' island. Sure I may not represent the average Godzilla viewer per-se,
but I was in for a total shock with what was to come with this one.
Toho took their success quite seriously and decided to rush out a sequel in less than
8 months. Unfortunately they attributed this success to the things that have
irritated me about the Godzilla series ever since, and then amplified them all 10x
for this film. This film has a lot more monster vs. monster (with more monsters),
more "cute" larval Mothra, even MORE twin fairy scenes than the last one, and even
takes more odious steps such as introducing the anthropomorphization of the monsters!
Add to that some ridiculous slapstick comedy and a goofy human plot involving silly
assassins attempting to off a silly princess who is possessed by silly aliens, and
you get one crap-tastic pile of toxic crap that did much more harm than good, not
only to the Godzilla series... but to humanity in general. It also scarred me for
life, irreparably, at a very young age. I'm considering pressing charges.
Anyway, on to the show...
For once, the American and Japanese versions are pretty similar, though the American
version does some serious scene rearranging and most unfortunately cuts out a few
minutes of monster destruction (and thankfully a lot of singing too). Also, the
dubbing and picture quality on the US print is quite hatefully poor and the sound is
uncommonly bad, even by AIP or Sandy Frank standards. However, it is the more common
version and the easier version to make fun of, so I'll stick with that version
(mostly) in this review, though I'll try to address the differences as they come up.
Both versions open with the credits superimposed over footage of the monster fights
from later in the movie. This is pretty stupid as it kills a lot of the suspense and
the sense of surprise when we finally get introduced to our main monsters later on.
Apparently this film shall star Godzilla (well duh), larval Mothra (in a rather
ragged, shopworn-looking suit they unwisely decide to freeze-frame on, revealing a
torn seam), Rodan (nice to see them bring back one of Toho's most beloved monsters,
but his appearance is now all fucked up), and an even more ominous monster of whom we
only get to see a few brief glimpses (the title one, and I'm going to call him
"Ghidrah" for this whole review because that's how I was indoctrinated, even though
the canon has shifted to the more accurate translation "Ghidorah"). *EXHALES* Whew,
do I get a Guiness award for longest run-on sentence?
This version has the original
Japanese language track with subtitles, by the way.
The semi-excitement brought about by the opening monster action immediately comes to
a screeching halt with a sleepy night time scene involving scientists and astronomers
hopefully standing around some equipment. Apparently they're waiting for the big
moment when aliens shall finally make first contact with Earth, which they seem to
think will happen that very night for some reason. They even seem to think there's a
time-table that the aliens are assumed to stick to, though how would they ascertain
this without previous contact? This whole scene is absolutely retarded and it just
hurts me to write about it, but unfortunately it sets the tone for the whole rest of
When the aliens miss the deadline, the disappointed scientists immediately name the
young woman reporter among them as a scapegoat because her disbelief in aliens
"frightened them away". Young Woman Reporter is played by 21-year-old Yuriko Hoshi,
who played an identical role in Godzilla vs.
Mothra but has a different name this time around (I don't get Toho continuity
for the life of me). Since I can't keep Asian names straight if the fate of the
earth depended on it, and can't really think of any universally famous young
woman reporters, I'll just go for an old one... and I'll call her "Connie Chung".
There, that's Asian, kind of.
Suddenly a brooding James Earl Jones-ish scientist who I'll just call "Professor
Smartyhead" chimes in to chide her even more, explaining that aliens are responsible
for all sort of crazy unexplained phenomena. Smartyhead is played by 60-something
Sensho Matsumoto, who had a pretty brief career as a stock Toho character actor.
Apparently in the universe of this film, there's a strange heat wave hitting Japan in
the winter, and since this is the mid 60's with Al Gore unfortunately too young to
show us the error of our ways, this is attributed to extraterrestrial intervention.
A woman at a telescope notices something and all the scientists come rushing in.
They're re-disappointed to see that's it's just a brilliant meteor shower. Meanwhile
one meteor comes crashing down onto Japan and impacts somewhere in the wilderness,
though it doesn't really cause that much of a crater or explosion or much fuss at all
for that matter.
If you have the option to watch a
movie in its original language, always do so, dubbing has a way of stupid-ifying
Depending on which version you're watching, around here is when we are introduced to
our young hero of the film, Detective Shindo. Because with this film the Godzilla
series is mid-process of "jumping the shark", I'm going to start drawing parallels to
another series that did so even worse (albeit more recently), so I'll just call him
"Detective Luke Skywalker" for short. Detective Skywalker is played by 28-year-old
Yosuke Natsuki, who got his big start playing the lead role as a Nakajima Bombardier
four years earlier in Storm Over the Pacific AKA I Bombed Pearl Harbor,
and you might remember as the professor in Godzilla
1985. Natsuki here plays his role as good as any other stock Toho performer,
though he tends to veer into overdramatics on occasion. Of course he starts as a
wimpy loser but gradually comes face to face with insurmountable evil, learns to use
the force, saves the day, and wins the girl (kinda).
Skywalker first meets with a nondescript newspaperman (in the Japanese version only)
and discusses the recent heat wave over Japan. As to why this heat wave subplot is
significant to the overall plot I still am a bit confused as its forgotten about
pretty quickly. Perhaps it was just thrown in to add an eerie atmosphere to the
whole thing? Maybe just a red herring? Trust me, it shall be one of many.
Love those 1960s skinny ties, so retro
these days, but so classic here with a white button-down and slacks. Oh, and nice
Detective Skywalker then meets with his mentor "Chief Kenobi" played by 36-year-old
legendary performer Akihiko Hirata, best known as Doctor Serizawa from the original
Gojira film. Chief Kenobi just nonchalantly
informs Detective Skywalker that he's suddenly (!) the official bodyguard (!) for a
princess (!!) of a fictional Himalayan kingdom (!!!) who is already on her way to
Japan (!!!!) for some reason. Wow, I'm glad her kingdom can afford to not take any
precautions or even warn their suddenly-recruited employees of a great impending
responsibility. Detective Skywalker seems pretty shocked and baffled but at the same
time a bit excited and full of derring-do.
Insta-cut to a de Havilland Dash-8 Bombardier... wait that can't be right since they
weren't invented until 1982... yeah I don't know my propeller passenger planes too
well. (Do you got this, Nate?). Actually it looks more like a lengthened C-130
with only two engines and really, REALLY big windows. Who cares?
That's gotta be a kit-bash, Toho loves
Anyway *shakes head*, aboard the plane, the princess is riding along merrily enough.
The Princess is played by 23-year-old Akiko Wakabayashi, best known to us Westerners
as a double-entendre-spounting Bond gal, "I will enjoy very much serving under you"
in You Only Live Twice before totally dropping off the map. She's a princess
and claims later to be from space, so for the sake of continuity, I'll call her
Even though the plane's in-flight, the princess is strolling around the place without
a care in the world. Notice she's in the process of attaching a gold bracelet to her
wrist and has a long white glove on underneath which would have been impossible to
put on without removing the bracelet. Why do I draw attention to this? Well, it's
later an established plot point that the princess NEVER removes her royal bracelet.
I guess even princesses can slip up on protocol every now and then... or else it's a
hole in the plot. It's dawning on me here that her kingdom is obviously a sub-in for
Nepal, which has undergone some tumultuity with its monarchy over the years while
being constantly threatened by its aggressive neighbor Ghidrah, er um, Red China
(more on this later).
The Princess models a bracelet from
the Lynda Carter collection.
Then we have a really, really awkward cut to an interior of some royal palace with
guards in silly Santa Claus uniforms marching everywhere. No establishing exterior
shot, no change in music, no headline "Meanwhile back in Fictional Country", or
nothing. The first time I saw this film I thought "man, that airplane must be REALLY
big!". A goofy looking person of distinction with A) a white mumu, B) a purple sash,
C) a frilly white collar, and D) some sinister sunglasses (!!) walks in up to a man
seated in a princess chair (!!!).
Ha, those are Santa hats. Seriously,
Santa hats in a Godzilla movie, this is inexcusable.
The guy with the glasses is the obvious villain of the film, a hired assassin named
"Malness". However, since that's a goofy name and he's the hired-gun sinister bad
guy, I'll call him "Dark Glasses" in keeping with my Spaceballs / Star
Wars theme. Dark Glasses is played by strangely young 26-year-old Hisaya Ito,
who also played a scientist in Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster. Even though he
gets out of that silly getup after a few scenes, he never removes his sunglasses the
ENTIRE movie, even in the night scenes. Obviously this film heavily inspired The
Dark Glasses, sporting a Tudor ruff,
which does a spectacular job of robbing him of his manhood.
His boss has no name, but I'll just call him "Blofeld" (not "Emperor Palpatine"
because that's just gay) as he's the main bad guy and is seen here only from behind.
Unfortunately he's not petting a cat, BUT he's still dressed pretty goofily and is
seated in a thatched princess chair! Blofeld is played by 45-year-old Toho performer
Shin Otomo, who made a career out of playing nondescript police officers, but had a
good role earlier as an escaped convict in Godzilla Raids Again. Blofeld has
a super-brief conversation with Dark Glasses about Princess Leia, in which it is
indicated that a bomb is on board her plane and that she's sure to never reach Japan.
Fictional Himalayan Country TSA is apparently even more useless than ours, but I bet
she didn't have to take her shoes off.
Blofeld, maybe those are kitchen
Back on the plane, the princess is approached by a super-creepy looking lackey in
another frilly Snow White-esque costume. Man, these costumes are killing me almost
as bad as when I reviewed Latitude Zero.
Lackey is played by 38-year-old Eisei Amamoto, best known as the evil creepy villain
"Doctor Who" (!!!!) in King Kong Escapes. Come to think of it, he made quite
a career playing super-skinny creepy guys.
"Princess, do you notice the light
fixture on the wall behind you? This is not a plane, but clearly a hotel room in
Tokyo, badly dressed by a location manager who spent all his department's budget on
sake and geishas."
Lackey just emits a quick spout of banalities along the lines of "hey,
congratulations on getting away from the bad guys and I'm sure we're totally safe as
they'd never think to put a bomb onboard". He leaves and the princess looks out the
window to see a sudden burst of light out of the night sky. An ultra-focused beam of
light then shines on her as though someone is holding a flashlight in her face
perfectly still through the window. An ethereal voice commands her to stand up and
leave the plane (!!!). The princess seems to be in a trance, and obediently gets up
and opens the outer door all zombie-like.
The plane must be at an awfully low altitude as her opening of the door causes
absolutely no pressure loss, only a slight breeze which briefly annoys her servants
before the bomb goes off (right on cue) and they all blow up. Notice that the
explosion disintegrates the model plane instantly, not even setting fire to the fuel.
The sheer power of the explosion suggests the bomb consisted of at least 200 sticks
of dynamite, which you'd think would have been quite difficult to conceal.
Too much magnesium in the charge,
looks great on color stock, but not exactly accurate.
Later (I guess?), a Japanese mountaineering crew assembles near the Kurobe dam to
seek out a meteor which hit in the mountains nearby the previous night. They're
carrying a shit-load of gear, amazing me that even the Japanese would be so
completely prepared for such an expedition in less than 12 hours. The expedition is
led by a very familiar face to Godzilla movie fans--38-year-old Hiroshi Koizumi, best
known for his starring roles in several other Godzilla films, beginning of course
with Godzilla Raids Again. He's a HERO "B" of our film, a scientist obsessed
with meteors and loves to hike and camp, so now I'll go with a War of the
Worlds reference and call him "Dr. Clayton Forrester". The group promptly embarks
on a hike up into the mountains because for some reason the weather (?) precludes
searching for the meteor via plane or helicopter. Now time for some serious
adventure movie padding with... you guessed it, rock-climbing!
Doctor Clayton Forrester.
Yes, minutes and minutes of rock-climbing, though this one is a bit less tense and
dramatic than usual. No major cliffs to scale, just a jaunty hike through the
Japanese wilderness. The American version replaces Ifukube's score here (and in a
lot of other parts of the film, but not the entire film, mind you) with more
"dramatic" sounding stock music. I'm not sure on the sources, but one of the stock
tracks that plays during this hiking sequence also popped up in Night of the
Living Dead a couple years later. Overall, I'd say Ifukube's music is better and
much more consistent, though much less exciting than a lot of the other scores he was
making at the time.
"Look, it's Iron Man!"
At one point Dr. Forrester notices that neither his, nor any of the other members of
the expedition have working compasses (the meteor apparently knocked them out, just
like War of the Worlds!). Having then to rely on a clearly cut TRAIL, the
mountaineers finally come across the meteor, (which is revealed via an ultra-cheesy
zoom-cut) they're shocked to see that it didn't make a huge crater. Immediately they
set up camp, but the suddenly-magnetized meteor begins to glow blue (!) and sucks in
all their pick-axes and shovels. Still, I'm glad I'm not the only one who saw the
original '53 War of the Worlds... but boy did that Spielberg remake suck.
Those are the least functional
mountaineering hats ever.
Back at police H.Q., Intrepid Detective Skywalker confidently loads his .32 Walther
PPK only to be disappointed by Chief Kenobi, who informs him that the princess blew
up the night prior. Skywalker gets a little perturbed since the princess was so
beautiful and didn't deserve to get blown up for political reason... plus he finally
had a serious shot at some royal nookie! I guess that means ugly princesses not
involved in politics are fair game?
"Crap, my Wii processor crashed,
again! Fuck Nintendo."
We then go to Connie Chung, who is at work listening to her earlier audio recordings
on a reel-to-reel (remember these? I don't...) when in bursts her editor, 32-year-
old legendary kaiju actor Kenji Sahara in a humiliatingly small cameo. The editor
gets on her case for not coving a breaking story involving the sudden appearance of a
crazy woman spouting nonsense. Wait, this is "NEWS"?? Hell, just pick any underpass
in my town and you're likely to find at least two of those... but they usually don't
look this good.
Chick on the far right is
Holy surprise, the prophetess turns out to also be Princess Leia (!), who has somehow
survived the fall from the exploding plane and has consequently lost her marbles!
She's preaching to a disbelieving crowd of gawkers, complete with a rather
frightened-looking group of Japanese baseball players. Here comes the other big
change in the American version--in the American version she claims to be from Mars,
and in the original Japanese version she claims Venus. Why they changed this, I can
only surmise that A) it's easier to dub Mars over her lip movements, or B) America at
the time was quite ashamed that Russia was beating its ass at Venusian exploration
and wanted to draw as little attention to that planet as possible.
The prophetess, smoldering with that
"my mother always said you were a bum" look in her eyes.
Either way, we're supposed to think the reason that the princess is acting this way
because those aliens who mysteriously saved her life have somehow reprogrammed her to
warn the earth of "great danger". She will remain in this disembodied semi-catatonic
state throughout most of the film to my utmost displeasure. Connie Chung pops by just
in time to hear the prophetess warn them all that Rodan is still alive and well and
hanging out at Mt. Asu on Kyushu. This would seem to tie this series into the
continuity of the first Rodan movie and mean that one
of the two monsters somehow survived being buried for seven years.
Immediately on Mt. Asu the authorities investigate and some dorky scientist (do they
have these just waiting on station at every Japanese point of interest?) explains to
a crowd of concerned citizens that the crazy woman's assertions have no basis in
fact. I'm amazed that they'd take some random crazy woman so seriously... I mean
really... so I could just call up Japan and make some prank call that a giant mutated
hamster is hiding underneath the Imperial Palace and they'd actually investigate?
A crowd gathers early to get Panic at
the Disco tickets.
Back to the meteor, Dr. Forrester and his crew are busy looking at it with determined
expressions on their faces and saying things. For some reason it's not magnetized
anymore, but one of his guys claims that the meteor's getting bigger. Wow this
is just like War of the Worlds. The crewmen mostly want to call it a
day and go back home but Forrester balks at their cowardice and plans to study the
meteor further... and further and further...
Okay, back at the ranch (the Skywalker/Chung family household), we're treated to more
of the same usual ridiculous Toho main character linkage coincidences. So apparently
Detective Luke Skywalker still lives with his parents AND his sister Connie Chung,
who just happens to be dating Dr. Clayton Forrester. Damn, it's like Ghidrah expert
-central here already and they haven't even introduced any monsters yet!
Sensing this, the writers oblige us with a (very) overlong TV segment where the
Skywalker/Chung family watches a stupid children's variety show. Man, 60's live
entertainment sucked... and if this is any indication the Japanese had an especially
brutal time of it. Two stupid-acting (and badly dubbed) show hosts introduce two
five-year-old (and similarly badly dubbed by adults trying to sound like) boys who
demand Mothra be the surprise guest on tonight's show.
Check the little boy on the right, he
clearly isn't comfortable with this.
The English dubbing in this scene is quite queer. For some reason the hosts call
Mothra a "science fiction monster" (!!??) even though this film seems to follow the
continuity of Godzilla Vs. Mothra quite
closely and Mothra is shown to be quite a reality (and a famous one at that) in this
film's universe. Dr. Forrester even has a speech later in the movie where he refers
to the earlier movie! Also, the boys respond by saying, "it's a fake!!". Huh??? I
never got this.
Anyway, the hosts cart out "the next-best thing" (whatever...), the tiny twin fairies
of Mothra Island / Infant Island / Island of Peace, who I'll just call "Mary Kate and
Ashley" (played by the 23-year-old Ito twins who make their final appearance as these
characters), who just happen to be in the neighborhood to promote their new
line of Mothra plush dolls... or something.
Mary-Kate and Ashley play Dance Dance
Now on to my single LEAST favorite aspect of 60's and 70's Godzilla films, a song and
dance number! Oh great merciful Christ, just kill me now! Kill me. Even being
strangled with piano wire beats listening to the Ito twins warble on for minute after
excruciating minute. Oddly, the English version feels compelled to TRANSLATE the
song into English via a blandly-read voiceover. According to the voiceover, larval
Mothra (one of the two larvas died, I guess, because the suit got too banged up) is
now the reigning ruler of the island. He doesn't do much but lie around looking
bored while the local population ceaselessly prays to him. That's kind of the trade
-off with living in a South Pacific paradise; spending 100% of your time worshipping
an overgrown grub.
Friends don't let friend use split
screens unless it's an episode of The Monkeys.
Back at the ranch, Detective Skywalker checks out the paper to see a picture of the
local crazy prophetess woman. After a super-double-take he realizes that the
prophetess looks just like the princess who supposedly got blown to smithereens a
couple of days ago. He rushes into work to show Chief Kenobi the photo. Kenobi
indicates that the only way to positively identify her is to see if she's got the
royal bracelet (?). Based purely on Skywalker's hunch, the Chief Kenobi gives him
carte blanche to investigate / guard her, but seriously, why do these movie-cops
always have so much freedom in picking their assignments? Is it really a good idea
to put a detective on a case of "guarding the alien prophetess" rather than out
preventing Sarin nerve gas attacks and serial stabbings?
Anne Hathaway makes a far prettier
princess. Just sayin'.
Unluckily, the bad guys back in Narnarland have a copy of their same paper (why would
they bother reading the Japanese newspaper in some random Himalayan kingdom? ...how
could they, anyway? The language/writing barrier would be quite severe!). Maybe a
paid snitch back in Japan sent it in to them based on a similar hunch? Anyway,
Blofeld is quite pissed that the princess is still alive. Dark Glasses is dispatched
to identify her and murder her... and to fail means death. The English dub
hilariously closes his order with an ominous "hmph" sound. What?
Got to get me one of those
Dissolve (if we're watching the American version) to the Tokyo airport where a Japan
Air 707 lands. Man there's a lot of non-Asian people on this plane. Did he get to
Japan indirectly via Australia? Dark Glasses ominously exits the plane where several
ominous thugs in 30's Chicago Gangster-style garb and moxy greet him with an ominous
black sedan and a promise of a room at a "quiet hotel". Nobody wants to assassinate
anybody before sleeping off some serious jet lag. One of the thugs is dubbed with a
Mexican (??) accent, complete with the line "if they got brains enough they [the
police] won't care about us", but it sounds more like "browns enough". Either way...
Seeking to avoid the line at the
baggage claim, the Flash risks exposure by using his superpower after deplaning.
Back at the police station, Detective Skywalker miraculously located the Princess's
bracelet on the person of a local fisherman. The fisherman claims that he found the
princess floating at sea and traded her jewelry for his clothes. Wait, if they're in
Tokyo that would mean he was fishing off the east coast, but the plane was inbound
from the west! Nobody seems able to figure out how the princess was able to survive
a plane explosion so...
Seriously, who would do this?
Suddenly comes the most awkward segue/cut in Toho history. Prof. Smartyhead is at
his desk next to a globe, geekily discussing how the earth passes through several
dimensions yadda yadda. What's strange is that the whole scene is just an
uninterrupted lecture with him breaking the fourth wall as though the audience is his
subject. This reminds me of the "educational warmup" which preceded The Mole
People, only it comes awkwardly shoehorned-in mid-film! This is completely weird
and goofy and feels like it was shoehorned in to supply a lousy explanation as to how
someone could live through their plane getting blown to tiny bits mid-air. Couldn't
they just have assumed the princess found a parachute? ...or better yet, that she's
an Olympic class highdiver? ... or maybe the plane was flying super low to the
water, like to avoid radar contact or something? WHO CARES!!!!?!?! Jesus Christ
let's get to the city stomping already.
Fuck, this movie is really boring (and writing about it is even worse). The next
thing we see is Connie Chung out on a play date with Dr. Clayton Forrester and her
brother Detective Skywalker. Why is Forrester not with the meteor? Did he just get
bored and decide to go for a jaunt in town? What about his important amazing
discovery? Was his innocuous coffee date somehow more important? Where's this guy's
priorities? Probably the same place mine are...
This hurts my back just looking at
A news report on the coffee shop TV segues us back at Mt. Asu where Princess Leia is
back to her old song and dance to warn the tourists of impending danger. She claims
that the monster Rodan is still alive and well and shall soon awaken to kill them
all. Of course, nobody believes her which is very odd considering that TWO of such
beasts popped out of that mountain eight years prior according to this continuity.
One of the gawkers suddenly loses his hat to an updraft of wind. His stylish new hat
then unfortunately plummets down into the crater, attracting the attention of a
nearby profiteer who offers to retrieve the hat for 200 yen. Wow, 200 yen? Isn't
that like $1.50? Is that REALLY worth crawling into a smoldering volcano over?
What's Jackie Kennedy doing here?
Anyway, the hat-retriever climbs down into the crater only to come face-to-face with
Rodan bursting out of the rocks. Exactly what becomes of the man is not explicitly
shown, but we can safely assume he was crushed under the avalanche of falling rocks.
In a sequence which could almost be considered good (complete with thousands of
panicked civilians fleeing and loading onto tour busses), Rodan emerges from the
crater and flies to freedom. Unfortunately the director decides to cut away just as
things are getting good.
"Jethro! Git in the truck!"
Let's talk about Rodan's appearance really quick here. For some reason the Toho
people felt compelled to drastically alter his appearance. Granted, his appearance
in the original Rodan differed radically from shot-
to-shot over the course of the film. However, here they decided to reduce Rodan's
beak-size, add two random whisker-like protrusions on his face, and give him Big
Bird-esque googly eyes. The worst alteration has to be with the shape of the neck
and head, which is straightened and rounded to make him look more human-like than
ever. Also, they screwed up his distinctive roar! In his first scene he sounds just
like Godzilla--and that goes for both the Japanese AND the US versions.
"Rah! I'm a seagull!"
Meanwhile at the Yokohama dock, Mary Kate and Ashley are about to board their ship
back to their island amid much fanfare and publicity. Out of nowhere Princess Leia
pops up and orders the ship not to sail because of "great danger". How did she get
all the way there from Kyushu so quickly? If it is several days later, what's
Rodan been up to and why isn't everyone concerned about him? For some reason she
refuses to get more specific than "great danger" so the captain balks and sets sail
anyway. Godzilla movie fans may recognize the captain as 46-year-old Yoshifumi
Tajima, who played the evil businessman Kumayama in the previous film. Connie Chung
shows up and escorts her "big scoop", Princess Leia away. Wow, what are the chances?
The ship's crew.
Back at the meteor, Dr. Clayton Forrester is sitting around bored with his men. The
meteor has continued to grow but otherwise hasn't done much to keep them (or us)
interested. Right when they're about to pack up and leave the meteor suddenly
becomes magnetic once again, sucking in all their picks and shovels. Look at the
side of the screen when the last rock flies onto the meteor--you can see a
crewmember's hand toss it in!
Lord, tell me those aren't moose on
his sweater. I think I saw one of those at Buffalo Exchange the other day.
Connie Chung checks in with Princess Leia at a quiet hotel (assumably also in
Yokohama as we see later)... and so does (you guessed it!) Dark Glasses and his
henchmen. They even actually walk right past each other in the hallway! You mean to
tell me that the bad guys just happened to also be checking in to that very same
hotel and at that very second? Man, as a "mark" or whatever, the Princess really
couldn't make her assassin's job any easier. Why'd the aliens choose such an
unpopular high-profile public figure to take over (as we're led to believe) anyway?
It just lends unnecessary risk to their whole "plan" to warn the earth. Well they
did get one thing right in taking over a hot chick, as that instantly gives
her more credibility whilst raving about aliens and destruction than, say a 10-year-
old kid or... I dunno... Howard Hughes?
Dark Glasses and LL Cool J enter the
Upon getting settled in (why are they in a hotel anyway as opposed to Chung's
house?), Chung is startled to see that Mary Kate and Ashley hitched a ride in her
tote bag, actually heeding the princess's warnings. Chung grills both them and the
princess over what is exactly going to happen to the boat... but they just look at
each other and refuse to answer. This would be quite infuriating had the film not
wisely decided to cut away.
Who makes their clothes, Tinkerbell's
A dark and gloomy night. A Japanese merchantman (hey, one of the exact same models
we saw destroyed so liberally a year earlier in Atragon) chugs along through the night. In a strange
couple of shots which I still don't quite understand, we see what looks like a group
of whales high-tailing it on the surface of the ocean nearby.
Still think this is a great model, no
matter how many movies it shows up in.
This seems a touch strange, but the camera swiftly pans over to reveal the true
horrible fate for the ship. FINALLY, at nearly 40 minutes into the film, Godzilla
makes his appearance by soggily rising up out of the ocean, which looks about waist-
deep to him unless he's mastered treating water with no swimming adaptations.
Needless to say, Godzilla roasts the poor ship, but not before it comically honks at
him as though to tell him to "Get the %#*&% out of the way!".
The American version really makes a mess of this scene by adding in a few close-ups
of Godzilla from later in the movie, plus lots of Rodan flying shots. It's like the
movie is trying to insinuate that Rodan angered Godzilla enough to surface and
destroy the ship, rather than to just be a random malicious act. This would prove to
be one of Godzilla's last such acts in the series. It also represents the last usage
of the neat suit from Godzilla Vs.
Mothra, in what would go on to be a common practice in Godzilla movies, to
use the suit from the previous film for the water sequences.
Rodan against the moonlit clouds.
Back at the hotel, Chung has managed to get Princess Leia all dressed up and nice
looking (where did she get the dress?) when she receives an urgent phone call from
her brother and leaves the room. This gives Dark Glasses and his assassins (who are
just "hanging around" in the hallway outside) ample time to pick the lock and enter
the room, assumably sealing Leia's doom.
Classic black frock, very slimming.
She needs a string of pearls or maybe a pendant necklace, though.
However, these assassins are anything but Agent 47. Actually they must have gone to
the James Bond Community College of Evil Henchmen because their tactics here are
absolutely useless. Rather than just sneak in, kill her, and flee, the assassins
just stand around Leia ominously and threaten her for several crucial minutes. Only
when the princess admits to have given her bracelet away does Dark Glasses finally
muster up the courage to (slowly) recoil his arm to stick her with his pocketknife.
The princess menaced by the
Now comes a serious movie pet-peeve of mine--the easily distractable villain. Right
as Dark Glasses is about to make Swiss cheese of the princess, who is just standing
there passively as though she just WANTS to die, the two fairies hit a (somehow very
accessible for a 3-inch-tall-person) light switch. This ruins everything and the
villains run around confused. This coincides with Connie Chung and her brother
Detective Skywalker bursting into the room and shooting up the place.
In other movies (notably 1961's Mothra) the twins showed the ability to teleport.
Somehow in all the confusion the bad guys neglected to stab the princess (who two of
them were holding when the lights went out), but they did all manage to escape from
the window. Also, the princess managed to hide in the fireplace (why would a hotel
have one... especially with nothing in it?) where she's busying herself by reading a
book out loud (in the dark) but in some nonsensical foreign language like Eperonto or
French or something. I swear I'm not imagining this; it's far too dumb to make up.
Do fake fireplaces cost more?
Now at past the 40 minute mark, the film finally gets to its obligatory city
stomping, though this scene leaves a lot to be desired. For some reason the American
version switches it all around to make it seem like Godzilla's in some other city
than the protagonists... it also reuses a couple shots of Godzilla wading past a
burning ship which give the distinct impression that he's not making any progress
whatsoever. The plentifully populated shots of people running and screaming look
nice, but Godzilla's city destruction really sucks. We only see him knock over a
small radio tower and then smash a warehouse with his tail. Man this scene is a
mess--look at the editing where Godzilla looks up at Rodan and roars (this film is
insinuating that Godzilla is following him with the desire to rumble in the
countryside). It jump-cuts twice in some bizarrely French New-wave-ish way. Huh?
Godzilla makes his move.
Godzilla looks to be in the more-or-less the same suit as before in Godzilla Vs. Mothra. The only alteration is
the head in an effort to make it smaller and easier to operate. The result makes
Godzilla look a little cat-like with a lack of chin and two lumps over his mouth
where whiskers should be. He's slowly starting to look more and more like Cookie
Monster, which would certainly be the case with the suit used in the next several
Atrocious, just atrocious.
Back at the meteor (god I hate how this movie keeps switching back and forth between
all these subplots, but at least this scene is the last of this one), Dr. Clayton
Forrester and all his fellow scientists are disturbed from their sleep to find the
meteor bursting into a sea of sparks and flames. Forrester even draws a Geiger
counter and the reading is going off the charts, indicating the meteor has suddenly
Stay away from the Tripods, they will
roast you with their Heat Rays.
Before you can say "hey that plot device was also ripped right out of War of the
Worlds", a particularly violent explosion billows up and (in a nifty effect
combining rotoscope animation with a couple super-imposed explosions) Ghidrah, the
Three Headed Monster makes his bigscreen debut.
Wicked painted on the hood of a Chevy
Ghidrah AKA Ghidorah AKA King Ghidorah is one of Toho's more impressive monster
creations. Think a golden scaly 3-headed Chinese dragon (I'm telling ya, this
monster is supposed to represent China) with no arms, but with a stocky 2-legged, 2-
tailed body, and massive bat-like wings. Each of the three "Manda"-like heads sports
a pair of horns, a set of beady eyes, and a toothy maw, seated at the end of a long
snake-like neck. The three heads move wildly and independently, seemingly under
little or no control. Each one can fire its own energy beam (like a yellow prolonged
bolt of lightning) which will cause whatever it hits to explode and/or burst into
flame. On top of this, Ghidrah has the same abilities as Rodan to fly really fast
and produce typhoon-power winds with his wings (though this ability is seldom used).
Even with a dozen technicians assigned to this bad boy, he must have been a bitch to
operate. Tsuburaya sure had his work cut-out for him.
Now cut to some mental research clinic where Detective Skywalker and Connie Chung
have dropped off Princess Leia for a CAT scan to find out what's really wrong with
her. It's not made clear which one of them is floating the bill for all this, but I
assume they have a nice stash set away since they both live with their parents.
Love those eyebrows, so sharp you
could cut yourself on them.
The doctor here is played by 59-year-old legendary Japanese actor Takashi Shimura in
a surprise cameo! Since the original Dr. Smartyhead suddenly no longer exists in
this movie, (perhaps he got ill or there were some bad contract re-negotiations would
he realized how much the script sucked) I'll call Shimura "Smartyhead 2.0".
Smartyhead basically just declares his impotence at curing the girl's condition, but
expresses hope with a new experimental drug he's just got... uh-oh, is this before
Shimura could out-act everyone in this
movie combined, and I feel sorry for him.
The patient suddenly sits upright on the table and declares to the medical staff that
the world is in great danger (well, duh), and that the real reason is the monster
Ghidrah who will kill them all. She also identifies Ghidrah as the monster who
destroyed her home planet. This raises a lot of questions which were only partially
answered in Godzilla Vs. Monster Zero
the next year. Actually, that movie ruined a lot of the promise from the "helpful
dead alien civilization" subplot in this film. In that film it turns out this whole
thing (warning and all) is just a big ruse to open the door to alien invasion... a
plot which is ridiculously convoluted and flimsy (as Nate here goes into GREAT DETAIL
in his Monster Zero review).
I'd hit that.
After an amusing instant cut to an evacuating city (I'm assuming Nagoya?), an
"emergency wagon" (do these really exist?) patrols the streets broadcasting via
loudspeaker to everyone to evacuate and board up their stores. The funniest thing it
says is that "the monster has been identified... it is... GHIDRAH!". What? Did the
doctors immediately phone in to the authorities the princess's mad rambling? Why
does she get to name the monster? Why not one of the scientists who first discovered
him? Did they all die?
Classic old Nissan there, drop a
turbo-charger and a new Getrag five-speed tranny in there and you've got a
Easily the best scene in the film commences as hundreds of panicked civilians start
to flee madly. Ifukube's score really hits a home run here, especially with his
trademark "Ghidorah Theme" which has become as iconic as the monster itself. In a
neat bit, a bunch of Japanese businessmen assemble on a rooftop and enthusiastically
point to a dot far away in the sky. This dot gets larger and larger until it's
revealed to be the titular titan and bringer of destruction to all. Disappointingly,
and I mean *really* disappointingly, all Ghidrah gets to do is fly over Nagoya
Castle, causing some shingles to rip off the roof. Oh no, Ghidrah is so far
responsible for maybe $20,000 in damages... the world sure is in great danger
Are those fish sculptures there on the
Okay, at this point the Japanese and US versions are totally divergent, making my job
as a reviewer QUITE difficult. Not that the plot is any different, but the US
version shuffles the confusing multitude of subplots around to the point where it's
impossible to describe both versions at once. Let's just say that meanwhile in some
version, Godzilla is then milling around in a lake in front of a painting of Mt.
Fuji. Rodan flies in and knocks Godzilla down into the water. Super-pissed,
Godzilla gets up and looks around. Then, in perhaps the single least-impressive
effect of the film, we see the silhouettes of Godzilla and Rodan (apparently hung by
strings) dangling in the background while screaming civilian yell out "Godzilla...
and Rodan too!". No, really?
Godzilla uses his secret weapon, a
plate of hot wings with the Atomic Fire Sauce.
Now comes the obligatory government / military meeting where several public figures
join to discuss what to do about the monsters. This must be one of those weird
invitational government / military meetings, because almost everyone in the cast is
here... but there's only like 100 extras at most. Doesn't the local population want
in on all this? Dr. Clayton Forrester is there, as well as Detective Skywalker and
his sister Connie Chung, who also brought a padded box with Mary Kate and Ashley (I
hope that little box has a lavatory). The meeting is being broadcast on TV,
immediately catching the attention of Dark Glasses and his assassin friends, who are
watching this scene in a cafe. Connie Chung slips up and announces that the princess
is being looked after at the brain clinic... instantly cluing in the foreign
Notice the only women in here are the
recorders and secretaries? Misogynist bastards.
First on the agenda is the solitary military general who touts his "new approach" to
dealing with the monsters. What exactly this new approach really is is left to our
imagination. He also brings up nuclear weapons, though idea this is (as usual)
quickly shot down. About the only thing of value he adds is stating that the
military is keeping track of all three monsters.
That monstrous window trim behind them
makes them look like they are six-inches tall.
Mary Kate and Ashley address the council who are hopeful that they'll deploy Mothra
to defend Japan from all these monsters. Man that seems desperate. If you're
watching the Japanese version, the girls start up with yet even MORE singing... OH
GOD NO NOT MORE SINGING!!! Luckily the US version cuts this waaay down to just one
verse of "Mosura! Mosura!" as Mothra departs from the island and off on his big
quest for manhood. It also wisely decides to cut straight to some patented Ghidrah
Missing from this picture: My mortal
The meeting is interrupted by Ghidrah flying in and laying waste to Tokyo. Plenty of
yellow lightning bolts rip through the city, ruining a healthy dose of Eiji
Tsuburya's finely detailed miniatures in an impressive array of pyrotechnics. Most
of these shots would be recycled several times over the course of the next 10 years
in various other Godzilla movies. Unfortunately there's quite a few effects that
totally don't work, like when Ghidrah zaps up an amusement park and knocks over a
bridge... the bridge stays together in one solid piece as it falls over! Gotta give
it to those Japanese engineers to designing such solid structural marvels!
Ghidrah was not pleased with Tokyo's
version of the Saint Louis Arch.
Back at the mental health clinic, Smartyhead II and Detective Skywalker have the
princess under some kind of hypnosis, in which they grill her to spill the beans on
her mission to Earth. According to her, not only she, but all humans are originally
Martians who were brought to Earth when Ghidrah killed Mars many thousands of years
ago. Okay that's kind-of neat, but does that mean Ghidrah's been spending the last
thousand years just zapping a bunch of dead Martian rubble? Does that mean the
meteor originated on Mars and somehow launched itself toward Earth? How did that
happen? Are there many Ghidrahs?
Note the Rorschach ink blots on the
wall, very Martha Stewart.
Dr. Smartyhead recommends using some mild shock treatment to snap the princess out of
her catatonic state and trusts the detective (!) to go into the next room and set the
voltage for him. Unsurprisingly, Dark Glasses and the rest of the assassins are
lurking right outside the window and overhear the whole thing. Once Skywalker sets
the voltage, Dark Glasses sneaks up and maxes the power out to a fatal 3000 volts.
Why would they even have a setting this high? Of course, being a bad guy plot, it is
doomed to failure as the Doctor and Detective decide to stall by "check the
connections" before frying her, robbing us of a very amusing scene where the princess
blows apart on the operating table.
Was this prop later used in the TOS
episode Spock's Brain?
This gives Godzilla and Rodan ample time to actually interact with this subplot
(finally) by duking it out in the fields nearby. Most of this fight is incredibly
lame and consists of hand puppets batting each other on the forehead. At one point,
Rodan actually picks Godzilla up and flies several hundred feet off the ground with
the big G in his clutches. Rodan then drops Godzilla right on some high tension
power lines right when Dr. Smartyhead was about to throw the switch! Damn these Toho
coincidences! We woulda had Princess Flambe had he not dilly-dallied so much!
Godzilla's nads were burning after
that night of steamy passion with that Thai hooker, but it was so worth it.
The power outage prompts Detective Skywalker to check the voltage room where he gets
assaulted by a barrage of bullets. A lame gunfight quickly erupts in which Skywalker
heroically shoots a bad guy in the wrist while the rest of the bad guys just duck for
cover and shoot at nothing. Why are they so cowardly? There's only one of him and
all he's got is a .32 PPK with a lousy seven bullets! Dr. Clayton Forrester and
Connie Chung luckily arrive right in the nick of time. Forrester immediately grabs a
handy wrench (?) and hides next to a doorway. He swings and whaps the first man with
a gun who walks out, who just happens to be one of the bad guys. What if it was
Detective Skywalker? What if there were more than one?
Odd that he would only button one
Anyway, Dr. Forrester picks up the assassin's gun and gets in on the action,
prompting Dark Glasses and his gang to all jump through the window and run away like
scared rabbits. What a bunch of pussies! I mean, seriously! They came thousands of
miles to kill someone but are easily scared away by a detective with a PPK and a
geologist with a wrench! How much are they getting paid anyway? Are they
getting paid? Did Blofeld just pay them all with threats of killing them like he did
with Dark Glasses? What? They don't seem terribly motivated...
"I shoot your laboratory!"
Now that the film has completely lost monster-momentum, it decides to finally throw
in more-than-we-wanted fight footage between Godzilla and Rodan. Godzilla breaths
his radioactive breath at Rodan at point blank range several times, but it
ineffectually comes off as more or less just a bad case of halitosis. The fight
mostly degenerates into rocks getting tossed and Godzilla falling down and getting
Godzilla never could figure out how to
get that road map to fold back correctly.
All the relevant protagonists then are among a massive group of refugees apparently
fleeing the devastation. Suddenly Mary Kate and Ashley order them to stop the car
and get out because Mothra has finally appeared and they all have to go see for some
reason. The characters just park and leave their car in the middle of the road,
blocking it for all the other refugees. How thoughtful.
Notice how that chauvinistic bastard
makes the girl carry that heavy box? Bushido, my ass.
Mothra slithers up to Godzilla and Rodan who are busy playing hot potato with a
boulder. All this time, Mothra keeps looking back and forth as though he's a
spectator at Wimbledon. The fight finally ends when Mothra sprays some of his web
silk on Godzilla, seriously raining on his parade. Rodan laughs (!) at Godzilla but
then is surprised to get silked himself, prompting Godzilla to laugh (!) and
patiently sit down (!!!!!).
Mothra went out onto the porch to see
Godzilla and Rodan humping and had to turn the garden hose on them to get them to
Now the single most ridiculous scene in the movie clunks in with Mothra conversing
with Rodan and Godzilla about how much of a danger Ghidrah is and that they all must
team up to fight him. Of course Rodan and Godzilla are less-than-enthusiastic about
this idea and just want to keep fighting. The whole conversation is made even more
irritating because it's narrated by Mary Kate and Ashley, who have to say everything
in unison to my utmost annoyance. The one exception to their translation is when
they say "my Godzilla, what terrible language!", utterly ruining his mystique once
and for all. Utterly cringe-inducing.
Ever notice that there are hardly ever
any trees in these movies?
Meanwhile the assassins are tearing it up in their ominous black sedan, rudely
knocking refugees out of the way in a desperate bid to get the hell out of there.
Right on cue, Ghidrah flies in and zaps the mountainside, causing a massive avalanche
which buries Dark Glasses and his henchmen under a pile of rocks. All the bad guys
seemingly perish but Dark Glasses survives and stumbles off into the woods with a
scoped sniper rifle. Where did he get this? Also, why are the windows on the car
totally shattered when they were totally fine on the last shot after the avalanche
had enveloped the miniature car? Continuity, people...
Did they even have tempered safety
glass in 1964?
Ghidrah touches down in some village and starts raising hell, zapping random
structures giving a group of nearby cowering peasants much cause to panic and scream.
Mothra has just had it with Godzilla and Rodan and decides to go "fight" Ghidrah
himself. Luckily for slow-moving Mothra, Ghidrah is literally just over the next
ridge from where all the monsters had been conducting their conversation! What a
coincidence! It's like Ghidrah just wanted them to come to him!
In Kung Fu Panda III, Po is
fried like a wonton by Ghidrah, thus ending the franchise once and for all.
Of course Mothra is completely outclassed and ineffectual against Ghidrah and really
takes a beating. For some reason Ghidrah's lighting breath doesn't actually
physically damage Mothra, instead launches him violently into the air repeatedly.
Godzilla and Rodan have a change of heart seeing their friend (?) get his ass handed
to him, so they both step in and tag team it. Godzilla charges at Ghidrah first and
gets a zap of yellow lightning right in the chest. This only angers Godzilla more,
who lunges onto Ghidrah only to get knocked over and into a bridge, covering himself
I swear this very same bridge has been
destroyed in like fifteen Godzilla movies.
Rodan swoops in and appears to just hover for a second and swat Ghidrah's heads in
the faces with his feet!! Ghidrah takes the bait and flies up and after Rodan, who
suddenly shifts directions and kamikazes right into Ghidrah, knocking Ghidrah
violently down onto the ground. Godzilla then offers Mothra a neighborly ride on his
tail!!! Rodan hides behind some rocks which Ghidrah repeatedly zaps, causing Rodan
to dodge out of the way each time like a whack-a-mole. Repeat process ad nausem.
"Ima gonna getcha!"
While all this is going on, Princess Leia just wanders off (!!) into some secluded
valley and starts praying to the heavens to deliver them all from evil yadda yadda.
Extremely unluckily for her, she's walked right into Dark Glasses's crosshairs, who
is perched on a nearby outcropping on the adjacent cliff.
Leia prays to her Martian
Detective Skywalker saves the day... kinda... by jumping in and distracting Dark
Glasses, who gets off several shots but only succeeds in stunning the princess,
causing her to stumble and fall deeper into the gorge. Skywalker and Dark Glasses
trade a bunch more shots, but unfortunately Glasses must have gone to the Imperial
Stormtrooper academy of marksmanship. Give me a break! He's got a .380 rifle with a
scope and seemingly limitless bullets, but he's unable to hit two stationary targets
who are only capable of returning fire with a .32 Walther PPK! Perhaps he'd be a
better shot if he'd TAKE OFF THE DAMN GLASSES!
Remember when Luke kissed Leia the
first time and we thought it was kinda hot, and then we found out later they were
brother and sister and we got a little creeped out, but still thought it was sorta
hot? Good times.
Skywalker dives down after Leia and makes himself her human shield, receiving a non-
bloody mild nuisance of a shoulder wound for his efforts (okay, maybe his rifle is
just a pellet gun?). The princess regains consciousness and appears to have finally
come out of her Linda Blair-ish state. She seems to recognize Dark Glasses and seems
to think that yelling "Traitor!" at him will somehow help (it doesn't). Just when it
seems like it's lights out for our heroes, Dark Glasses ominously stands up (!!!) to
deliver the fatal blow (prolonging it all enough to give a deus ex machine a
chance to step in and kill him as all villains do).
My face is artfully grubby, but not a
single hair is out of place.
And what do you know, right in the very nick of time, a stray lightning bolt (the
American version cuts in a shot of Ghidrah zapping Godzilla in the groin [!!!], then
a stray shot off to nowhere, making this all make a little more sense) hits the
hillside above Dark Glasses, sending a massive avalanche right down on top of him.
He turns around just in time to catch (!) a boulder, stand there for a second, and
THEN fall down to his doom. Well, his stuntman anyway. No more Dark Glasses.
Godzilla has the power of the
Schwartz! Thank you, I'm here all week, try the veal.
Back to our monster fight... Mothra is biting at Ghidrah's tail(s), Rodan is hopping
on his head(s), and Godzilla melees it with his fists, taking most of the abuse.
Ghidrah knocks Godzilla away zapping him right in the rump. Godzilla staggers away
and distracts Ghidrah while Mothra climbs onto Rodan's back and the two go for a
joyride. Godzilla then sneaks up behind Ghidrah and grabs onto his tails, spinning
him in a circle as Mothra/Rodan give him a fly-by silking.
Ghidrah gets gang-banged.
Once thoroughly cocooned, Ghidrah stumbles to his feet only to have Godzilla hurl
another boulder at him. This constitutes the breaking point in Ghidrah's morale, as
he has finally had enough. Though covered in web, Ghidrah manages to take off and
fly high into the stratosphere, seemingly away from the earth. The other monsters
stand at a cliffside and laugh (!!) at the fleeing sissy. But wait, does this mean
he can just fly off into space? What's going to keep him from coming back... or
simply flying to some other part of the Earth to bring even more devastation? How
are those wings going to provide any forward propulsion in the vacuum of space? Why
am I reading into this film so closely?
You'd think that Rodan, like a normal
bird, could fold his wings in to his sides, instead of always having to stand there
with them outstretched.
Cut to the Tokyo Airport where the princess is making her farewell speech. She
thanks Detective Skywalker for saving her life, no doubt disappointing him heavily
that he didn't get to score. However, his sister Connie Chung is there with Dr.
Clayton Forrester (my, he sure didn't have much to do in this film, did he?) but he
doesn't even have his arm around her or nothing. They're not even holding hands or
even looking at each other. Did they break up or something? This ending ain't so
"Enjoy it while you can, because you
are never going to lay a finger on me."
Look behind the princess--there's one out-of-focus extra who looks quite disturbingly
similar to Dark Glasses! She's doomed, though judging from his accuracy I doubt he'd
even be able to hit her if she was in a window seat and he had the aisle seat next to
her! Skywalker gets to then gaze longingly at the Princess's departing 707 as it
disappears off into the sky. Everyone else pointlessly waves.
Goering leaves Tempelhof to
thunderous applause (I'm so going to get emails).
Meanwhile Rodan and Godzilla are parked on the same bit of shoreline where they saw
Ghidrah make his big exit, likely already as bored as the rest of us. Now that
they've settled their differences, what really is there for them to do? They're
essentially just two irradiated giant animals... but they apparently don't need to
eat or sleep or have any others of their own species to mate with. So what is there
for them to do other than mindlessly roam around and destroy things? I mean really,
what are they going to do now... pick up some hobby or something? Knitting? Mary
Kate and Ashley get to ride Mothra back to the island and wish them all the best of
"Hmm...so, do you wanna go to
What a shitty movie... what a great big pile of ass-burger. May the scriptwriter rot
in hell. I'm glad I'll at least never have to watch it again... but curse you Nate
for making me have to write this thing. I just happen to have a cousin with dark
glasses and a bad aim who lives within Ominous-Black-Sedan-driving-distance of you,
so watch out.
Written in June 2008 by Michael Martinez and used with his permission.